E Update

We went in to see the audiologist today and finally have some insight into why E is not developing in speech. When the doctor looked in her ears, they were completely filled with wax that was hard instead of soft like it is meant to be. Then when she put in the little tester thing in her ear, she did get some readings that made her think that there is either fluid built up in her ear or the canal is shut completely and causing pressure in her middle ear. Then when the hearing portion was run to the extent we can test before the wax is removed, her hearing was definitely impaired. She was hearing at about the level of someone with earplugs in their ears instead of how a normal person hears (they called it a 1 mile radius). So, in the picture I attached, there is the red section and those are the areas that are suspected to have the most trouble right now. The outer ear is clogged with wax because E is not producing an oil that is supposed to be produced to soften the wax, so it is instead hard and stuck and building up constantly and blocking her eardrum. Then on the middle ear (Eustation Tube), there is either fluid or it is closed from her sinus problems and causing a pressure build-up and issues there. It appeared her left ear is worse than her right.
Our plan of attack from here is that we are first going to do multiple eardrops and water flushes a day for the next two weeks to see if we can make any improvement on getting the wax out. If that doesn't work, she will be scheduled to see an ENT doctor who will surgically remove the wax and E will have to go under for that. Once that is done, a thorough hearing test will be able to be done and after that, there will be a brainstem test done while she is asleep to see if the nerves in her inner ear and brainstem are working correctly. So, we are in for some exciting times trying to do the eardrops twice to four times a day with a wiggly-almost-15-month-old. Fun times. At least we now have answers and a direction to go in on that end of things. The doctor explained to me that whatever condition it is that makes her so small is probably what has caused her the inability to make her oils for her ears. It stinks, but it is something we can do something about and I don't feel helpless.
Yesterday we went to the hospital lab and they drew something like six viles of blood from her because her pediatrician is starting to look into how E's immune system is working. It is a relief for a doctor to be actively seeking answers instead of just me. Aside from the lab work, we are waiting on a referral to get her in for what is called a cinefloroscopy and she has an appointment with her GI specialist. All this BEFORE I deliver our baby boy and that is only six weeks from now! Busy, busy. I guess I like it that way. Please send prayers our way that the eardrops work and E can avoid surgery.

Only 7 weeks left!

Here are some late pictures on my growing self lol. These are of 30 and 32 weeks.

Lullaby

E had a bad night. There was a lot of coughing and snot and just all around unpeaceful sleep for her. This was more than evident this morning when we got up and she was acting yucky and tired and grumpy. I finally had enough of the grumpiness and sat down with her and started rocking her in the front room recliner to help soothe her as her being in her crib was not cutting it. She was just screaming and that wasn't my goal by any length. As I started rocking her, M came over and started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to her. She has never heard me sing a lullaby as I am not very good with them so I just watched her sing to her baby sister as I rocked her. It was beautiful. The funny part is that instead of making E want to sleep, she started trying to sing along with her as best she could! I love moments of such tenderness between my children. That is something to really bring in the holiday of Thanksgiving if ever there was one, my children loving each other.

Good morning...

I've been trying really hard to take time out of each day to sit and watch and take in what my kids do and say and behave like. I feel this need to be aware of them and record special and precious moments that give me sunshine. My most recent thing of note is a M thing. Every morning, G will come to climb into bed with me long before her sisters are up. She will either go to sleep next to me or she will monkey around until I kick her out of the bed and into her room to play. Well, around 7 am every morning, M will find her way into our room and say, "good morning Mama, it's a beautiful day! The sun is shining! Get up Mama, get up and get dressed!" It is a great way to wake up, I have to admit. For as long as I can remember with M she has always woken up so happy. Just radiant that a new day has come and she gets to be in it and live. It helps when I am starting to feel so incredibly exhausted all the time to have such a positive force in my life to drag me up and out of bed. Kids are such a blessing in reminding us how lucky we really are to be here and be alive. And how blessed we are to learn that from them and not get too caught up in the adult concerns in life.

Bring on the Donuts

I have to admit that in comparison to my first and even second pregnancies, I have been relatively oblivious to my trimester and even week in pregnancy with this one. It was worse with E because of the denial and depression I had with her, but all in all I have been pretty relaxed with this little guy. I think the majority of my disinterest comes from the fact that I don't bother to think about things like I used to in order to not be miserable or annoyed. Plus, I am used to the whole being pregnant business and just sort of go with it while chasing three children around 24 hours a day. Very distracting.

Well, in my state of oblivion, I was very confused when I was all of the sudden eating food like a bear gearing up for winter. I mean, I am only 26 weeks and I have barely gained any weight outside of the required amount up until this because I didn't feel the need to eat more than it took to feel comfortable. I was deliriously happy to have finally figured this out after all the work I did to lose the weight before I got pregnant this last time. I was thinking to myself, "at this rate, I won't be a cow when the baby is born! Woo Hoo!". Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and it is a whole new ballgame. I am ravenous! I want to eat until I see food in my eyeballs! I wondered to myself what on earth was going on?

I figured it out. I finally hunted down my pregnancy journal that follows a pregnancy from conception to birth and when I got it all caught up on the dates, I realized I am in my third trimester. You know, the one where the baby is sending messages to your brain that you must eat and make them fat and you can get fat too while you are at it. Yeah, that trimester. I have to admit that I am excited at already being here since I feel like I was told about the pregnancy yesterday and here I am only three months from having my little boy now. But come on with the food! I am not interested in the 200 pound version of myself so I have got to find a way to convince this little man that mommy has all the yummies he needs without eating four servings of it! Oh well, that is making babies for ya. At least I started this pregnancy at my lowest weight since my first baby and have a chance at not blowing up all the way this time. Sigh...

E has actually gotten on the growth chart! Last month she was barely touching on the 1st percentile and this month her weight and height together were in the 25th! That is HUGE. She still is a miniature baby and the five month old in the waiting area was bigger than her, but I can now say that she is making honest improvement. I am very happy about that. Her speech skills are still very behind, but I have noticed that she is communicating better anyway. She has a special way of whining where I know exactly what she is trying to tell me, be it "I'm happy" "I'm tired" "G took it away from me again" or "Daddy!!!!". I am still trying to get her to an ear doctor to make sure that she is hearing well because of how delayed her speech is getting but that is a whole other subject.

G is taking on the "I am two and defiant" roll like a champ. She has taken on the all over great response to everything said to her... "NO". So, right now, if you are to ask my dear middle child any question (other than if she wants candy), she will promptly answer with "no!" and throw her arms together to cross them. Another favorite these days is the word "mine". On an average day, I will feel as if I am raising a parrot that knows the words "no", "mine", and "candy". Awesome. But hey, the times where she remembers the words mama or please or thank you, I drink it in and I about burst into song and dance when I hear the words "yeah" or "yes".

M is about to have her own room. We have decided that she is in need of some alone time or personal space. With Christmas sneaking up on us it is going to be difficult to get M the gifts we want to if she will be sharing a space with her 2 year old destructor of a sister, so to her own room she will go. It should be fun and exciting for me to do for her since I am starting to nest or manic or some mixing pot of the two, but all the same, it will be a good outlet for me.

All in all, things are pushing right along. We are just enjoying these kids so much and looking forward to having our last little one. We have decided that four is our cut off unless God decides that he will just give us another regardless of my tubes being tied. It has happened to women before, but I will not think about that LOL.

20 Weeks and Counting

Well, I have finally earned my way into the 20's in weeks for this pregnancy. I look terrible in the picture because I look terrible in person ha ha. It has been rough for the last couple to few weeks and it takes its toll eventually. But my bump is fun all the same. So enjoy the bump and not the Nae...

Our Ultrasound!!!

Drumroll Please.... That is a little BOY! That is right, we are having a son! This first picture is of his little boy part and there is an arrow pointing at it if you can see it. We are stoked beyond words! The second is another boy shot but I couldn't get a good shot of it and the third is of his little face and body profiles. Enjoy and leave me a comment to let me know you know!!!!

Unthinkable

I have been dealing with Little Miss E's mystery smallness for her whole ten months of life now. I have fought endlessly for her to get medical attention and get a diagnoses that will enable us to get weight on her and have come up with nothing. After we got home from the hospital in LA, we started having a nurse that comes to visit twice a week and record weight gain and loss and monitor what we are doing that works and doesn't. Recently, I have even been able to get her seen by a civilian doctor in pediatrics that saw her as a newborn and got her through her infection at ten days old. About two and half weeks ago we went in and we had just started adding rice cereal to all of her bottles and she had her first significant weight gain in months and he was all happy with that. He told us to come back in two weeks to see how things were coming along. Well, when I brought her in, the weight had stopped again and she was still the same weight as she was the two weeks earlier, if not an ounce less. I went in knowing this because the visiting nurse had just weighed her the day before and told me the weight and that she was personally concerned and wanted to know how the dr. visit went.
When her doctor came in, I told him that her weight hadn't changed and he started grilling me about all kinds of things. He questioned how many people were in our family and the ages of our kids. He then questioned me about their health and implied that they had issues also, which I corrected because they eat like there is no tomorrow. He asked me if my husband spends much time with her and if he ever feeds her and if he knows how to feed her. I told him we both know exactly how to feed our child and that he is very good with her and taking care of her. He then says to me, "Well, something is wrong!" And I agreed immediately but he cut me off by continuing that our daughter's problem was D and I not being in tune enough with her emotionally for her to want to eat for us! I told him that I had spent a whole week at UCLA hospital and that the first two and a half days nothing was done with her and they just recorded every move I made with her and observed me. I told him that after watching me they were so convinced I was doing everything I could that they didn't even speak to a case worker and they put the NG tube in her nose to make her eat. I have tons of documents showing how hard I have been fighting to get her seen and helped and that I have even had to go through medical professionals implying I am overreacting to my child's size.
The doctor didn't even acknowledge my words and just kepting clicking away at his computer until he was done and just told me he was done and that I could leave now. He told me he wanted to send her up to Loma Linda hospital to see Behavioral Pediatrics and a different GI doctor and dismissed me by saying someone would call me and walked off. It was surreal and unthinkable to me that that had just happened. I was crushed and I just got her dressed after he didn't even look at her and checked out and left.
I called my husband and told him what had just happened and he was speachless. I drove home and did my normal thing in an almost fog until D ran to the store with the older two kids while E was asleep. I had a monster of a cold and wasn't feeling well so I just sat on the couch and finally broke down and cried. I prayed very hard then and asked Heavenly Father to do something to let me know that He was around and that I wasn't a horrible mother. Shortly after, D came home with flowers for me and within an hour of that, two of my friends just showed up at my door feeling concerned for me without knowing what was going on. Later that evening, our Home Teachers came over and I asked for a blessing and they were more than willing. In my blessing, I was told that God knew I was doing everything in my abilities and that he was more than aware of our situation. He then told me that I know myself that I am doing everything I can for her. He told me that understanding people would enter our situation in her care. There were other parts, but these ones pertain to this blog.
It helped to know that things were going to be okay. D is a guy and guys act when these things happen and that is exactly what D did. D went straight to our insurance and told them what happened and they encouraged him to make a discrepancy because they take these things very seriously. They also had our doctor call us at home since she is our primary care physician and not the pediatrician and is military. She was really good to me and we discussed what we should do and I decided to go through with what the pediatrician was saying just to rule it out and have that out of the way but to do it through the military instead of through him. Plus, I looked into Behavioral Pediatrics and some of the clinics actually have feeding clinics which could be huge for us even if we have to go through the trauma of them investigating us as parents to make sure she is emotionally and physically looked after. I have nothing to hide and just want help and for someone to actually know what is going on with her. I can't imagine ever having real answers at this point, but just someone coming up with an answer of any kind is more than I have now.
I went through the last few months waiting for someone to make accusations and now that it has finally happened, we can just deal with it and move forward. I love these children more than I can express and give them my heart and soul and attention. I nurture them and I know all these things just like God told me I do.

Guess it doesn't stop at 3

About a week and a half ago I went in for my physical exam for my pregnancy. This exam is the pap and breast exam and has never really meant much more to me than ruling stuff out and making sure all the parts are working right. This time that changed because there were a couple of different things that were found from this exam. During the breast exam, my dr. immediately located a slightly painful and swollen lymph node in my armpit. She asked if it hurt and I nodded that it had and she told me she would really like a breast ultrasound to rule out anything serious. She wanted to do it that day, but our insurance wasn't having it, so I was scheduled for Tuesday the 26th, which is this coming Tuesday. I was pretty unconcerned due to the fact that things like breast and lymphatic cancers tend to be more genetically connected and I didn't know of any problems like that in my family. Except I didn't know much of anything from my biological father's side, so I made a phone call to his mother, my grandmother. As soon as I layed it all out, she told me that her mother and both her sisters died of breast cancer and one even had lymphoma along with the breast cancer. She then told me she had a tumor removed herself from her breast and said something about my aunt that I can't remember because I was reeling by that point. I went from no fear of anything being wrong to there being an actual threat in a split second. I am fine now and the fact that I can blog about it is significant considering I found out a week and a half ago and it took me this long. It hasn't been fear that I actually believe something to be wrong, but fear of others going through that fear. My husband had to really struggle at first as he processed it all and he knows as well as I do that the odds are against anything being wrong at all. Personally I believe that I just have some breast tissue in there that is prelactating because any time I have nursed, my armpits are the worst part of the pain. I am confused why both sides aren't doing it, but maybe one side is just more active than the other. I don't know, I will have answers soon enough, but there is that.
The other thing that was caught was that I suddenly have Group B Strep. What is so weird about that is that I have had three kids before this where I never had it and now I do. I didn't even know that could happen to be honest. It is just a harmless bacteria for the mom, but it has potentially devestating affects on the babies if they pass through and it gets them. So, I am going to take a round of antibiotics now and then have more through my i.v. when the baby is delivered. Nothing scary, just weird to get it with the last baby and not at all with the first three. So far I have been super happy with my dr. and the amount of attention to detail that she has afforded me. I feel pretty safe with her and I love that because it is affirmation of a blessing I recieved at the beginning of my pregnancy. D gave me the blessing and in it he told me that my doctors would be guided in my care by the Lord and that I would "face challenges I can't understand" in the course of the pregnancy and that we would have a healthy baby. So far, I have had very guided medical care and I have gone through some things that I don't understand, but I know it is going to be okay. Blessings are amazing that way...

They Come In 3's

Have you ever heard the saying, "it always comes in three's" in regards to good and bad events? Well, we were living proof this week. Number one was small, but it hurt lol. We took all the girls to the indoor pool to have some family time outside the house. I took my really nice shampoo and conditioner with me that is from the salon and is pretty costly. It is one of those little things I do for myself to stay feeling okay when I sacrifice just about everything else. Well, at the end of the day, I left it there on accident and someone stole it asap. I tried to go back and get it but it was not turned in or left where it was, so there went A LOT of hair care that I really enjoy. I was more hurt and wounded by the actions of another person to steal something like that since that isn't how I work. I enjoy doing the right thing when I come across other people's things because I feel good about my actions and hope for it to work out. Number two and three were both a result of a trip to Sea World that we took on Thursday.

Number two happened to G and is was horrible. While at the park, G and E were in a double jogging stroller with a very large canopy and we made sure they were protected from the sun as much as possible. D, M, and I got the most exposure because we walked everywhere. The only time the little ones were in the sunlight was during one dolphin show and the Shamu show at a total of maybe 10-20 minutes compared to the hours for the rest of us. Well, the next morning when we all got up, G's cheeks and nose were covered in blisters. They broke open and covered from one cheek all the way across to the other with open sores on her face. It was unthinkable and I was completely upset. I immediately knew that in the state of California, they are known for their excessive child abuse accusations and was scared to take her in to the hospital for help. But I decided that not getting her help would look much worse than getting the help and just explaining what happened in case it became infected and got even more serious. So, D took her in and they treated her and admitted they were initially concerned that it was abuse but that it obviously wasn't the case with her. I just can't wrap my mind around someone harming a child, of all people, on purpose. I was just beside myself with guilt that I didn't do more to protect her and would be no matter what degree of effort was used. It was just unreal because no one else blistered anywhere and E had equal time in the sun and didn't even get pink. I have just decided to take this as a lesson learned on G's sensitivity to sunlight and add hats and even more aggressive sunscreen any time we are outdoors.

Number three was another display of complete dishonesty. D used my debit/credit card to purchase our gas for the drive home while we were in San Diego. He didn't put my card back and at a restroom stop at a gas station on the way, the card ended up in the wrong hands somehow. The next morning I asked for my card and it was missing completely. No frantic search unearthed it and I gave it a few days to see if it showed up. Well, a little voice told me to check our account yesterday and when I did I discovered four different charges in a row at the same gas station we had stopped at and not made any purchases of our own at. We immediately called the bank and they informed us that they had already restricted the card on their own because the charges were very suspicious to them. So we cancelled the card all together and I went in today and turned in all the dispute paperwork to have the money reimbursed to us and legal action pursued by the bank. In all, they stole $177 and change in the space of hours from us. I just have to say a big thank you to God and the bank for catching these things and acting so fast on their own. I admit it could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't.

So there is our three. Two thefts and a child hurt. I think we just need to hunker down and keep to ourselves for a while. I hope that the three's come to you in the good...

The True Meaning

The other day M came up to me while I was watching some t.v. program and sat next to me. She leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "Mama, you're my best friend." I didn't even know she knew that saying or what it meant, but in that moment, she taught me something completely new about love. Later I wanted to show D and I asked her if I was her best friend and she ran over and hugged me and told me I was. Then I asked her if Daddy was her best friend and she came over and held me and said, "No! Mama is my best friend!". I realized that she really understood at her level what that means because of that. I asked her if G was her friend and she told me "yeah, G is my friend" and then I asked her about E and she told me "No, E is too little." LOL. So, now when I am paying the least amount of attention, M will approach me with a kiss or hug or words that echo in my heart, "Mama, you are my best friend.". Motherhood is such a blessing.

Ultrasound Pictures!

Yesterday was our 12 week ultrasound to start checking for cleft lip or palate and to make sure the spine is okay. It went great and we have great pictures of the baby now and even a dvd that they made for us. I am deeply relieved so far and we go back in six weeks when we can finally find out what this new little one is. I have already accepted that I will have four beautiful little girls so I am not holding my breath on a boy. Well, please enjoy these! The last one is of the baby in 3D and at first it is so small that you might think it is a foot or something, but it is the whole baby from head to toe. It is amazing!

D the Furniture Whisperer

D has had insomnia lately and so I sent him off to the doctor about it. The doctor decided to give him a sleep aid to take when he gets home from work so he can actually sleep. At first I was just relieved to have him asleep before 6 am, but the other night made me wonder about what is worse... It was around 2:30 or 3 am and I woke up to the sound of D yelling. He kept saying, "Stop moving! Stop moving!". As I opened my eyes, he was standing facing our armoire and swaying in circles telling the armoire to stop moving. I immediately asked him what he was doing and he turned to me and told me the armiore, "is giving me the evil eye and won't stop moving". I could of course see that he was the one moving and that his sleeping aid was making him hallucinate. I yelled at him to just go to bed and knock it off. I told him I was going to the bathroom and to be in bed when I got done like I would one of our kids lol. When I came back in he was trying to convince me that the walls were moving and I just told him to go to bed and stop being weird. He finally put himself in bed and passed out right away. This morning was the first time we could talk about it and we both had a pretty hardy laugh, but I have to say it freaks anyone out to wake up to their spouse talking to furniture... and being serious about it. We have figured out that he stayed up long past when he should have after taking the pill and that if he lays down quick enough, it shouldn't happen again.  My husband the Furniture Whisperer.

Tidbits

So, I have decided to compile some snip-its of moments with the girls that were just too good not to share...

After we got home from church on Sunday we were eating lunch. I was sitting at the computer just reading emails and I turn my head to look at the table. M has decided to stand up on the chair and when I look at her she blows me a kiss. I of course catch the kiss and thank her for the kiss and she says, "your welcome Princess Mama." Since then, I have been Princess Mama and she has been Princess M. We even have Princess G and Princess E. I love being royalty.

I am in the kitchen cleaning up and M comes out with this long piece of ribbon with knots on both sides. She takes it and puts each knot in the cabinet doors across from each other. She then runs right at it and the knots slide toward the hinges and get stuck. Now, this is not what M had in mind and she stands there and says, "oh no, I will never win the race". I just decide that this is one time I need to watch and see how her problem solving goes. She tries to win the race one more time as it is and it doesn't improve, so she decides to run the race from the opposite direction. This was perfect because now the knots just slide right out of the door and that is that. M WINS THE RACE!!!! Of course, once G saw that there was something going on that fun, she started winning with her. Sisterhood rocks!

Again in the kitchen, I am cooking dinner. This time M drags out a guitar of D's (that he has NEVER used) and sets it against the cabinet wall. She then begins to strum on this guitar and sing the words, "mama, is cooking dinner, for a M. Mama, is cooking dinner a M!" This song was HILARIOUS and ever since she discovered this exciting new thing to do, she does it all the time. I will hear her randomly singing and strumming this guitar now. She loves to sing...
At church on Sunday, it was time to sing the hymns. So D and I get out the books and M gets out the program. She opens hers up and sings her own version of the hymn and one of the little boys in the row in front of us turns around. He looked at her like she was killing him and making him ill and she was just too wrapped up in her singing to notice or care. That's my girl!

One last moment, and it was at church also. Almost every single Sunday, G gets all upset and D has to step out into the entrance area with her and sit down. She throws a fit and tries with all her might to escape and D just makes her calm down and behave. Well, this Sunday G got smart about things. Every time someone would walk by, she would put her hands up and say, "Help, help". D would just laugh and tell her they were not going to help her escape. Well, I came out to check on things and actually did it to me! LOL, I laughed sooo hard. That girl is just too smart for her own good.

A Pony Is Born

M comes out holding all her big ponies and a white washcloth. I ask her where baby pony is and she gets very upset with me and keeps gesturing to the washcloth. I ask if baby pony is just asleep in there and she gets more upset with me and sets the washcloth down. She then says "it is in the egg". Ohhhh kay, um, so the pony is in a washcloth egg, this can work I guess. So she sets this washcloth down on my computer desk and starts going "Nay, nay!" and whinnies for the pony and starts pealing back folds of the washcloth (egg). The naying and whinnying continues until the pony is finally "born from the egg". We, of course, rejoiced when baby pony was successfully born since it seemed to be a lot of work for the little one and all. Now I just have to figure out where on earth my daughter learned this to re-enact it. All the same, it about had me wetting my pants from laughter once I didn't have to play along anymore. A baby pony hatched from a washcloth egg, it doesn't get any more "Enquirer" than that!

Small Pony Ice Cream

So Melody is wanting lunch and is very attached to her My Little Ponies. She comes up to me and says her ponies are hungry. I repeat this to her to verify and she says yes and that they want ice cream. She then explains they only need a little because they are small ponies and then she sticks out her tongue and says you use your tongue to eat the ice cream. I of course praised her efforts and told her there would be no small pony ice cream eating going on and she gathered them up and comforted them. Very sad day for ponies...

New Life

Here is the ultrasound of our new baby! The nurse practioner performed the ultrasound for me because my doctor was in a delivery (The Nerve! LOL) and she just kept saying "how cute, how beautiful" and she even said, "don't let anyone tell you that isn't a baby". I watched my precious baby move it's arms and legs and wiggle and I even watched it's little heart beating. It was wonderful. Also, the baby measured out to be exactly to the day as far along as we thought. Good baby lol. We are due Feb. 17th, 2009.

The Same You Came With, You Leave With

The trip to UCLA children's hospital ended up doing us very little good outside of ruling OUT a ton of things. They ran tons of tests and came out with nothing to show for it. They did however find that she eats way to little and decided to insert a feeding tube through her nose and it was awful but needed. So at the end of the week that we stayed there, I left with the same answers I came with and an NG tube in E's nose. They set up a visiting nurse for her and I was finally able to get her a pediatrician out in town to start following her progress through. The NG has not been going well for us and they have her eating a significantly large amount through it. She is throwing up and crying all the time. So, when the tube came out last night, I didn't seek out to have it put back and instead went and saw her new pediatrician. I think he is going to find the best way to get her healthy. He showed me today her growth curve and it looked pretty stuck in the same place on the length and weight combined, but once I saw the weight alone, it was very bad. She literally has dropped to almost -10% and it has been a steady drop for quite some time. What is so frustrating is that as soon as we left the hospital and she was no longer on the i.v. fluids, her weight dropped right back down to where it had been when we arrived. So, I am just lost. They say they can't find anything wrong with her and I see a baby that refuses to nourish herself so severely that she is just not growing or developing like she should. I know that it is a little confusing for people because when they see her they think she looks great- for a six month old maybe. But then I tell them her age and that changes real quick. AHHH!!! I just want to pull my hair out. I either want answers or for her to just improve and to put this all behind us. The pictures are of her at the hospital when they were running an EEG and just with her tube in. Take care...

When a Father Faces Justice

My biological father has been arrested and extradited to my home town. He abandoned me by the age of 6 months old and never sent a single cent in my name. By the time the authorities pulled him over (while driving drunk, without a lincense, and with weed on his person), he owed $32,000 in my name alone. That is 18 uninterupted years of neglect and evading the authorities. At the time, my sister and I had already made arrangements to take in our 15 year old sister from our father because he was trying to save up enough money to go turn himself in to the authorities for this exact thing. He was living in a tent in his stepdaughter's back yard and letting his three kids just sort of stay where someone would take them in. It was bad enough for Brittney and I to step in and be the big sisters we know all-to-well how to be and get at least one of the children in a stable environment. We still have a sister over there, but she seems to be happy with her mother in a way that the one we took in can't be.
Up until this whole ordeal I was never given the truth about basically any part of their lives with my father. But I was the one to fly my sister in and drive her the 6 hours to Brittney's house so I got to hear everything. It was a hard experience for me and it unleashed some of the nastiest skeletons that existed in my own closet. It was a Pandora's Box sitting and talking with this sister just hearing about her life and the things she experienced and witnessed on a normal basis. It was just a very difficult thing to have to face.
Tomorrow is his arraignment. Tomorrow my aunt and grandmother are going to sit in the same room as him and watch him make his plea. It will be intense because my uncle who is my father's brother will also be there and it will be high tensions going around from all angles. It is not at all the kind of family reunion that anyone wishes for. The only redeeming factor involved for me is that I won't have to be there and I know my mother won't be there either. I don't want her to have to see him if she isn't ready. There are a lot of things that passed between them to have gotten married, had a baby, and divorced. I just want her protected in all this mess too because he is just not right in the head or the person she knew 25 years ago. How do you make sense of all this? I guess no one has an answer to that one...

E Update

We finally took E in to the gastro specialist yesterday and it was such a deep relief for me. Not because we got great news or were told she is fine, but because the opposite happened. I have been worrying myself to death since she was born because I could see something wasn't right with her health. She started getting smaller and smaller and not gaining the weight we knew she should and when we tried to feed her baby food, she got even worse. Her reflux is back and she can't eat baby food without it coming back up or making her sick the whole rest of the night. So yesterday I was finally able to sit down with a specialist and get her looked at and her history sorted through with her doctor. The first thing he said is that she is a failure to thrive baby and is significantly small for her age and that something is wrong. After discussing everything I told him, he has decided that there is something more than just a baby who needs to eat more going on and he will be admitting her into UCLA for three, maybe more, days to run tests. He had a lot of blood drawn to start searching through that way also. Within the next two weeks, we will be finally going toward the bottom of this. I mean, just yesterday when they weighed her, she only weighed in at 13 lbs. 2.5 oz. and she is 8 months old. I am so looking forward to getting answers or a diagnoses that will help us in getting her healthy. I have also noticed that she physically can't sit up. The only way she sits up is in your lap because she seems to have weakness in her back that even the doctor didn't like seeing. He is going to have a neurologist check her out during our hospital stay to see. I am admittedly scared but I know that whatever they find, the Lord already addressed it's existence and blessed her to heal from it. This will all work out because God is involved and I have faith in that completely. He will watch over her and guide her doctors. Please send your prayers E's way.

Comparison Time!

Okay, these pictures are of when I started my weight loss journey and now. I have lost 20 POUNDS! Of course, my next blog will make that quite ironic. Stay tuned......

Roller Coaster Life

Life is such a massive roller coaster. Lately there seems to be such an amazing amount of stressers going on. E is not gaining even close to enough weight and I am about to march into the clinic tomorrow and start negotiating to get her specialized care. She has put on all of 5 ounces in an entire month, won't eat baby food or rice cereal yet, and always has dark circles under her little eyes. What has me so upset is the obvious lack of alarms going off with my doctors here. When we had her weighed in not very long ago, they weighed her in at 10 lbs, 13 oz down from 11 lbs, 7 oz. only two weeks earlier. And you know what we got? "Give her rice cereal and baby food." Tah Dah. I honestly believe that when you have a 6 month old baby come into your office weighing massive ounces less than two weeks earlier, you should have them admitted and tests run. If not that much, at least put in the referral for a freaking specialist in pediatric GI. Something is wrong here and no one but me seems to be catching on to that here. Aside from getting her to a specialist, I am going to take the steps in getting her permanently moved to a civilian pediatrician. I need her seen by a doctor that deals solely with babies and children and can focus more closely on E. It is just such a frustration for me as her mother. All I want is for her to be healthy and well taken care of.
M's speech testing has rapped up and we received the results yesterday. She has a speech disability in her expressions. So, we will go in on Wednesday to sit down with the tester and she will walk through the results with us and explain what we need to do next to help M. I feel like I did the right thing taking her in for the testing even though no one told me to or said anything. I just noticed certain things about her communication and comprehension skills that seemed not at the same level as other children her age. Luckily, we found where the break down is and can start her on speech therapy and might even be able to get an IEP for her when she starts preschool. Just maybe we will be able to get her in with Head Start because of the results. If not, we will still be able to start nice and early with intervention and therapy.
G is talking finally! We have got her saying please, thank you, welcome, baby, dada, mama, bye bye, I love, and Mel for M. It is awesome because she waited about six months longer than Melody to start talking. Of course G was walking months before M had at her age, so I guess it all evens out. She is just such a joy and we just love them all so much. Even in my most miserable state, I can still see so much to be happy and grateful because of D and the girls.
Speaking of miserable state, I had myself a darn good meltdown. I think that life kind of builds up on me without my noticing and the next thing I know, I am a disaster. I started crying and I didn't know exactly why, but I couldn't make it stop either. Almost like I had to decompress. Oh well, that is life. Tomorrow is my third weigh-in since we started Weight Watchers and I am quite nervous. My mono has caught up with me big time and I took an entire week off of exercising to recover my energy stores. So, I know my results will be poopy compared to the first week when I was working out like a crazy person. On the other hand, D is rocking the weight loss. He was at 10 pounds lost after his last weigh in, so YAY! I can honestly say that I am not disappointed in myself compared to him, I am just excited for him.
All in all, things really are going well. I had my first Mary Kay party and did really well considering it was my very first time. The girls are wonderful and deeply loved and D and I are very happy. There are challenges lurking, but I know we can take them on no problem if our faith is plugged in. Until next time...

WOO HOO!

So, today was my weigh-in day for Weight Watchers. I was grumpy and thinking there was no way after everything I have tried that this would be THE ONE. But, I sucked up my impending doom and got out the scale that is in a very special hiding place that doesn't allow temptation. (Which is by-the-way hidden in the top of my closet.) Now, let me say, I have been swimming every fricken day for an hour at a time and all I had accomplished was a stupid 4 pounds in a long month. This had made me very leary of that evil and disappointing scale, but I was brave and got it out. Okay, drumroll please...... I lost 6 POUNDS since I started this last Wednesday. That is 6 pounds in 6 days just from changing my awful eating habits. I had no idea just how toxic my eating was until I stopped eating that way and started the Weight Watchers. I know that a pound a day is not typical weight loss, but I think it happened that way this last week because I started drinking tons of water so I stopped retaining fluids. I have been eating tons of fruits and vegetables too, which is quick and easy on the body to digest and burn. The only meat I have really eaten has been ground turkey and yummy shrimp. I just am loving finally having real results like I have been dying to enjoy since I started this whole weight loss challenge. I can eat anything I want, but it all counts for points depending on calories, fat grams, and dietary fiber grams and you are only allowed so many points in a day. So, I can throw away all my points on one meal of indulgence or I can eat smart and be full all day and still have points left over at the end. Even better, I am allowed so many indulgence points in a week so I can have a nice dinner out with D if I want and not have to feel guilty about it. Or we can go to the movies and have a soda or candy. I just love it. It is something that has actually worked for me and not left me desperate for my old faves. Even D has lost 7 pounds in the last six days. That is AMAZING!
On another happy note, I have been timing my 500 breaststroke since I started swimming a few weeks ago. Before I started, I asked D what the Navy requires to be passing for a 500 and he told me 12 minutes, 50 seconds. So I did my first 500 that day and came out at 12 minutes, 20 seconds. I was stoked! That was after 8 YEARS of no swimming and I was able to just do it that fast. So, I have been working on that often and a week later, I was able to do that 500 in 12 minutes flat. Again, I was stoked. Now today, at about three weeks from the first time I did it in 11 minutes, 45 seconds. That means I have shaved 35 seconds in the space of three weeks all by myself. That is huge for me to be able to show for my fitness level like that. How exciting! Well, I just wanted to document my progress and maybe send out hope to anyone else struggling like I did for so many years. I know I was pregnant almost all of it, but I am officially at my pre-pregnancy weight for my last two babies right now and it feels great! Now I am going to work to be in the 150's for the first time in almost four years! Only 3 pounds to go and I will be there! Wow. It just feels good to be here.

How Much Is Too Much?

I have been working out a ton over the last three and a half weeks. I have even accomplished some wieght loss and everything. But here is the predicament, I have mono (the kissing disease as some may know it) and it is starting to just take over again. I was diagnosed after having it active for five months in which I moved from Japan, was pregnant, had a c-section, and then had a colic and reflux baby. I was diagnosed with it when I finally couldn't take having a sore throat every waking day of my life and wanted to know what was going on. I mean, it got so bad that I could no longer sing a hymn at church or have a long conversation without my throat becoming raw. So, I go to the doctor, she says what she thinks it is, I have my blood drawn, and off I go on my way thinking that things like that just don't ever happen to me. I didn't get a call back and I missed a follow-up appointment to get the results so I just went on my way until one night while D was in Las Vegas and my grandmother was here helping me. The doctor calls me up at the very end of her work day and says, "your results came back positive for the mono, will you please come in and see me?". So, I was in her office the next day just to be told that all I could do was sleep and rest to get better from this. I about laughed out loud since my grandmother had been tending to E solely the entire time she had been there and I was still chasing around the other two and we were both busy at all times. Sleep and Rest??!! Anyway, I went home and made some phone calls to the Relief Society president and she called my visiting teachers. Before I knew it, I had people at my home every day for me to take naps and meals being delivered nightly so I had that much less to do. Sometimes someone would even clean or do laundry for me and before too long I started really feeling much better. I thought I was out of the woods and would just have occasional moments of being more tired here and there. Instead, as soon as I would try to push myself just a little, I would be hit with another sore throat and exhaustion. This held me back for MONTHS from being able to work out or do much more than daily house work until I finally went in to my doctor to see why I just wasn't seeming to get any better. She just told me that it could take easily as long as two years before I would be really better from this. So I went home and resolved myself to feeling mildly tired or having a mild sore throat here and there until I kick this awful virus.
Well, as I said earlier, I started working out about three and a half weeks ago. I was thinking to myself that exercise could only help since it is supposed to be great for a body. Well, before I knew it, I was going overboard in no time. I was going to the gym, ballet, yoga, the pool, and doing Pilates at home and hardly eating anything. Plus, I wasn't sleeping due to the fact that I have a very small infant that still wakes a minimum of two to three times a night. I don't know about other mothers of babies that wake as often as mine, but I hate going to bed any more. I feel this dread that as soon as my body relaxes into real sleep, I will be pulled right back out to take care of E. I can stay calm and quite rational if I am already awake when she gets up, but if I am forced awake, I am grumpy and lacking in any form of patience and I hate being that way soooo much. I hate it for E, for D, and for myself from guilt. So, I got myself into a health deficit in no time flat. I was putting out massive amounts of energy in exercise and care to the kids and house while taking in half the food and rest.
Just this weekend, it all caught up with me BIG. I went with C to the Mary Kay convention that was on Friday and Saturday and by Saturday, I was so sick I hardly held it together to get through the event. As soon as I got home, I went to bed and hid and by Sunday, I had completely lost my voice and could hardly take care of the smallest task. Today I woke up feeling better in the sense that I can talk again and I was okay taking care of the kids, but not the house. It is like months of extra rest and naps and such has been undone with only three weeks time. I think all this has boiled down to a very raw fact, I don't understand balance. When I want something as bad as I want to lose weight, I don't know how to not go completely overboard. This has been the case as far back as I can remember. So, here is the question, how much is just enough to be healthy and doesn't cross over into danger to my health. Not too long ago, I decided that my efforts were not giving me gratifying enough results and I was just devastated and angry. I wanted to either kill myself trying or give up completely. That was when D entered in and saved the day. He just told me that I was doing great and that this is the way weight loss always runs, it is a battle to the death at first and doesn't give ridiculous results like we tend to want. Then he asked me if I love to swim and I told him I didn't even know anymore because I felt like I was getting nowhere with it. It was then that he helped me realize that no matter what the outcome of the swimming and dancing, I love DOING them regardless! I LOVE to swim. I mean, I love that sport so much that even as sick as I have been I was still in that water today and loving every second of it. So, I am officially going to do things for the enjoyment instead of the weight or anything else. Weight loss is an awesome bonus, but I want to do these things because they are fun and invigorating for me. I just have to be more tuned into my body and its need for rest and nourishment. If you don't already know, I have had a long time battle with eating disorder behavior that has improved sooo much, but still looms around time to time when I am feeling vulnerable, sad, angry, or out of control. I have worked my tail off to put that behavior in the no-no zone, but it is something I work against in times like these. Luckily, I am just too darn happy to give in to it for too long and I have an incredible support system to boot. Not to mention that I sure developed a love for food being pregnant for almost three years in a row LOL. Okay, well, I have do that sleep thing before it gets too ridiculously past bedtime. Until next time...

Car Alarm Grace

So, my dear and precious G is a character all her own. As her mother, I have grown completely accustomed to her communication styles and find them to be either annoying or cute depending on the current situation we find ourselves in. While in Fallon though, it was brought to my attention by my goofy and lovable family members that G actually sounds just like a car alarm. Yes, you heard me right, a CAR ALARM. Whenever G really wants or needs anything, she chooses to make this noise that does in fact sound quite like one instead of bothering with actual words. My Grandma's opinion on this predicament is that M, who is quite the vocal child, does plenty of talking for she and G combined. I have tried my very hardest of late to try teaching my darling middle child to use words and it is about as traumatic for her as punishment. She will become absolutely beside herself with anger if I so dare as to demand an attempt at a "please" or "thank you". Now the oddest part of all this is the words that she actually does volunteer such as: "what's that?" "bless you" and the occasional "thank you" when given voluntarily only. Of late, I have even gotten her to acknowledge that I am mama only to have her decide to call herself mama two seconds later. Oh, the torture of a stubborn 17 month old. Woe is me!

Not too long ago, E was given her blessing in church by D. It was an amazing faith building experience for us as her parents. D and I fasted and prayed previous to the blessing and so when he went up in front during Sacrament meeting to administer the blessing, it was very spiritually charged. As D stood up there and lay his hands upon our dear baby, he was nearly over powered by the Holy Ghost to the point that it became difficult for him to speak or keep from weeping. Now, for a man to go through that, it is a very powerful experience. During the blessing, D was strongly impressed that E would meet and marry a very good man and the other moment that stood out was a shock to both of us. During the blessing, D was just saying what came out of his mouth through the Spirit and at one point, he blessed her to heal from her illness. When he came back to sit down afterward, I turned to him and questioned him what on earth that meant and he honestly couldn't tell me. As I sat and took he and E in, I could see the love of God himself flowing from D to E. There was a bond created so strong that he wouldn't let go of her until he left for work that evening. He looked at her differently and I could see that something very sacred and powerful had been created between them. All from one beautiful blessing. I can say as a mother and daughter of God, it built my testimony that much stronger to be a part of that moment.

So, as usual with me, I have changed my hair yet again. I have decided to go red for a spell and enjoy that. Also, I have decided to become a Mary Kay consultant and I could not be more excited. I know that for whatever reason, I feel completely drawn to this business and the personal growth that will come out of it for me. I have also started working out everyday and will be starting an adult ballet class tomorrow. All in all, I feel like I am becoming a whole person. I have even enrolled M into a Montessori preschool starting on March 31st until the end of this school year and she will continue with the new year in late August. I have had to face my demons in putting her out into the world even for three half days a week where I cannot protect and nurture her or control her environment. But it is vitally important for both of us for me to let her do this now so that we can both grow and develop, but it doesn't change how scary it is for me! Well, I need to try and recover the disaster that is my house after a day of abuse from the kids! Until next time...