Everything has been such a mess around here. D was supposed to have hit what is called higher tenior in the Navy. Higher tenior is when a service member hits 14 years in the military and if they have not advanced to the pay grade of E6 (or petty officer first class), the military refuses to re-enlist them. It is their way of robbing people of their retirement and weeding through people making more money to make room for the new people coming in that make significantly less while doing the same job. To add salt to the wound, in D’s specific rate (job) in the Navy, there is only between a 1%-3% advancement for all E5’s every six months. A couple of cycles ago only 20 people Navy-wide made E6 in his rate. 20 people. That is insanity if you ask me.
Well, D didn't make E6 when his final advancement results came out in December so we knew that that meant we were done and would have to accept it and make plans for civilian life. D’s last day was supposed to be May 1st so he decided to take what is called terminal leave so that he would not be working and could get us moved and start looking for work while still receiving his last couple of paychecks from the military. It was our hope to have that hold us over as he found work wherever he could so that we would be receiving income straight through. D was able to start that leave on March 11th and got it approved. So I went ahead and set up my transfer with Target because I knew when we were going to be leaving so I knew when I would be getting there to start work. We thought we had a pretty good plan and D started going through his checking out process with the Navy.
About two to two and a half weeks ago, D called me and told me that they had changed their minds. That there is a new policy in the Navy where they can extend your time left in the Navy just long enough to find out the advancement results one last time in hopes of him making E6 after all. That meant we would be here until June 20th instead of March 11th. They made it sound like it was very likely going to be approved and that he should know in a week. This put me in a bad position with my job. I already put in my transfer and it got approved and I have a starting day of March 22nd that I gave them. So I needed to know as quickly as possible if this was going to happen so that I could extend my time with the Target here and postpone my transfer there until further notice. But my hopes were up pretty high that he was going to be getting extended which was a dream come true for me because it meant we would get to live this life just a little bit longer.
As we were waiting and D was talking to people, they told him that his chances were actually very slim at getting the extension because apparently his rate is 112% over manned and they won’t be looking to give anyone second chances if they can get rid of people to make room. So that sent me spinning into the other extreme of thinking that I needed to get back into the mindset of leaving here March 11th after all. But we still had not received any word on the Navy’s final decision and my last day at this Target was closing in on me with no idea if I needed to stay there or move on to the one in TN still. Finally we are here today. And we STILL don’t know anything. I am supposed to be in TN by March 21st to start work on the 22nd and I still don’t even know what is happening with D. At this point, for me to get there in time to keep my job I have to leave with my four kids by myself and drive across the country with no one else to help me. No matter what the Navy’s decision, there won’t be enough time for us to get packed out, get our house clean up, or get checked out of housing so we can all leave together. D will have to cancel his leave that is supposed to start on Thursday and I will still have to leave that day if I want to see my family one last time before moving across the country from them.
The worst part of all of this is my denial. I have been in complete denial about all of this. I have been avoiding cleaning or packing or doing anything that would line up with us leaving here because the truth is that I start having anxiety attacks just thinking about it. My mind starts spinning into this horrible future filled with unpayable bills, over extending our welcome with my in-laws, struggling to buy food, and piles of medical bills we can’t pay from E’s health needs. Then it starts playing out my marriage deteriorating from the stress of both of us trying to work crappy minimum wage jobs and going to college while our children suffer from not seeing enough of either of us. It is like a nightmare playing out in my mind when I try to even start preparing to leave here. I feel like the floor is going to literally drop out from under me and my family and I am scared to death. What am I supposed to do? I know the economy is in shambles right now and neither D nor myself have a degree of any kind to find good paying work.
So I am sitting on a ledge right now. If D finds out he didn't get this extension, we are done. Either we all leave together or we leave ahead of him and he catches up to us as soon as he can get packed out of the house and checked out of the Navy. If his extension is approved, I have to decide if I want to cancel my extension and stay here with him until June in hopes that he makes E6 or go ahead and go start my job in TN anyway assuming he won’t make it since his chances are 1%-3%. If he gets this extension and I have already left, he will take terminal leave assuming he won’t make it and will be in TN around the first week of May. From there he will look for work until he finds out the results. If he doesn't make it, he is done with the Navy. If he somehow does make it, he will have to head back asap to re-enlist and the kids and I will join him once he has new orders. It is too much to think about. Just too much for me to keep it together anymore. I feel like I have these little hairline fractures in my chest just waiting for the right tap to finally make me break. Like one wrong move will shatter me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the information I need in order to make the right decision. I want to pray about it and get an answer, but I am scared to death I will put myself out there and get no answers and will be left feeling utterly alone in all of this. Don’t think I am questioning God, because I am not. I am questioning where I stand with Him and my worthiness in being able to communicate with Him. I feel like I am not in a good place in His sight and that my behaviors and choices have distanced me so much from him, that I can’t receive anything from Him right now. I feel lost by my own faults. I let go of the rod and wandered off somewhere and I am so ashamed of myself for that that I don’t feel comfortable approaching Him for anything like blessings or answers to anything. And it is all on me that I found myself here. All I want is to go to the temple, fast and pray, and be close to Him, but I feel unworthy of that. I want repentance, but I don’t want to do it out of a motive of getting answers I need right now. I want to go through that process out of an honest desire to revert back to the person I once was and I don’t know what is holding me back from that.
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I feel trapped in this awful place and I wish I could wake up and it would all be gone and my life could go on safe and secure like it has been over the last six years. I don’t want E’s health to tear our family apart with dept and stress and hold me back from getting her the best care because of money. She deserves better. She is my baby. My sweet baby girl that has fought her way through so much with the significant aid of her medical teams. She has gotten amazing support and care and now that is about to be taken away from her. I don’t know how to cope with that. I guess there are state and federal aids available that I will do research into and get her as soon as possible once our time with the Navy has ended, but I am so stressed out right now. Scared. What else should I be when I am denying myself context with the Lord out of guilt? I have to overcome this. I have to open my closet and face my icky skeletons now. I have to get the right foundation under me before this hurricane hits or I can’t begin to imagine what could happen to my family.
To be honest, all I want is to be able to be at home with my babies and raise them. I don’t want to be leaving them to go to work. I absolutely detest the idea of putting any of them in daycare because it isn't where I feel they belong. No one else is their mommy and no one else besides D and I should be raising them. That is a personal opinion and I do not judge anyone else’s feeling that are contradictory to my own because I trust that most parents know what is best for their own children and families. But I need to be with my children. I guess when it really comes down to it, all of my anxiety is based on my love for them. I want that safety and security and coverage for them. My kids need their parents. So I guess what it really comes down to is that I have to get myself gathered and brave and face my demons once and for all because my children are depending on me to do it. I have to love them enough to do what scares me. I have to find that rod so that I have something to hold onto when the storm finally arrives. I have to love more than I fear and I believe I can do it.
