Recently I was made painfully aware of some things. People I called my friends, people I love, showed me something about themselves and about me. They showed me what selfishness is and what it looks like and that even the best of us has it. They are selfish, I am selfish. Pretty straight forward I guess...
There has been so many challenges for me to overcome. So much stress and hard work and sacrifice to get where I am already and to get to my ultimate goals. And not must my stress, hard work, and sacrifice was required. My loved ones had to donate to those categories too. So damn much. They all picked up the slack when I needed child care support so that I could study, or have the kids covered when E got ill and put in the hospitals. They had to sacrifice hanging out with me, getting a speedy response to a text, a returned phone call, knowing I cared because I was so freaking busy that I couldn't let them know I loved them. That eventually takes a toll.
The brutal truth is, any insecurity about my love for you is going to grow and grow to in-proportionate levels during these endless semesters of school. I am focused and determined and like a freight train about obtaining my RN, BSN, and then Masters. That is fueled by my love for my children and when you are using love as a fuel, you tend to be in super mode and get tunnel visioned. I know I do. I know it blinds me to the the people that need me. I am sorry for that. I am sorry they feel like I am moving in fast forward, with my eye on the prize, and have lost the time to be there for them. What I wish they could understand is how unbelievably much I love and adore and appreciate them. That without their love and support, I would fall flat on my face.
I never ever ever intentionally abandon or stop caring about my friends or family (it would hurt so much less if I could just turn off caring in some cases). I never ever choose to ignore a cry for help or support or comfort or a good laugh. If I am made aware of someone in need, I WANT to help them and will go out of my way to push commitments around to facilitate that person's needs. I love my people and I love being part of their lives and I love their presence in my life. But I am busy and I am not going to pick up on subtleties or quiet attempts right now. I need to have someone say, "LaNae, I know you are busy, but I need you." and I will be there. Period. I just need that distress call and I need understanding from my friends if it takes a minute, hour, or day to rearrange my world to give them my best.
I need understanding in return. I need empathy in return. I need unconditional love and a conviction within them that I love them unconditionally back. I LOVE YOU my family and friends. You are IMPORTANT, you are STRONG, you are INSPIRATIONAL, you are AMAZING in every way from my eyes. Please etch that in your hearts. I cannot say it enough, say it louder, or say it clearer than that. I appreciate your patience and many times I consider you my own personal hero squad. You have been the late night call I could cry to, the friend that went out of their way to suffer through wedding details with me, the one that applauded me when I reached a goal, the one that brought me back down to earth when I got too far off the ground, the one that asked "which kid/s and what time" when I asked for help during an emergency child care situation. But PLEASE, when you are feeling like I am not giving enough to you, step into my shoes for just a minute.
I am on a pathway to independence. I am on a pathway of no longer relying on state assistance or child support to feed and get medical support for my children or pay my bills. I am doing EVERYTHING within my capabilities to raise FIVE children, work part-time to pay for child care and gas in my car, and go to school FULL TIME to get into a nursing program. Take a step back and really think about that. Do you have to literally work all week long tending to five kids and a home WHILE going to four classes (and doing all the homework and prepping for exams) WHILE working just to ensure you can afford a babysitter and have gas to put in your car? Do you have a child with a genetic disorder and immune system deficiency? Do you have an autistic child ON TOP of all that that needs you to help them wind down or get the support they need? Step into my shoes and try to comprehend what a single day of my life feels like before you turn your rage on me. I cannot make more than $11.50/hour right now. That would not even cover the cost of the child care it would cost for each shift of work I would clock in for. I am on the one and ONLY path that will free my family from that cycle.
I am more than willing to do everything required to reach that goal. But I cannot force you to stick it out with me and I won't even ask it of you. If you can do this, please understand what I am going through and WHY it is the only real option I have. If you do I will never find the words to thank you enough. If you can't, I can't be mad because that would be so unfair of me. So think it out for me on if you can or even want to stay by my side through this journey and I will support your decision. Because I care about your health and wellness just as much as my own and if I am not helping you more than I am hurting you, I would never ask you to stay in a place of hurting. I just can't throw aside all my hard work either. It just is what it is. So I will leave it at that. I love you, I have appreciated you far beyond what I can ever tell you, and I would love you to be with me, but if you can't, I will not blame you for walking away.
