How Much Is Too Much?

I have been working out a ton over the last three and a half weeks. I have even accomplished some wieght loss and everything. But here is the predicament, I have mono (the kissing disease as some may know it) and it is starting to just take over again. I was diagnosed after having it active for five months in which I moved from Japan, was pregnant, had a c-section, and then had a colic and reflux baby. I was diagnosed with it when I finally couldn't take having a sore throat every waking day of my life and wanted to know what was going on. I mean, it got so bad that I could no longer sing a hymn at church or have a long conversation without my throat becoming raw. So, I go to the doctor, she says what she thinks it is, I have my blood drawn, and off I go on my way thinking that things like that just don't ever happen to me. I didn't get a call back and I missed a follow-up appointment to get the results so I just went on my way until one night while D was in Las Vegas and my grandmother was here helping me. The doctor calls me up at the very end of her work day and says, "your results came back positive for the mono, will you please come in and see me?". So, I was in her office the next day just to be told that all I could do was sleep and rest to get better from this. I about laughed out loud since my grandmother had been tending to E solely the entire time she had been there and I was still chasing around the other two and we were both busy at all times. Sleep and Rest??!! Anyway, I went home and made some phone calls to the Relief Society president and she called my visiting teachers. Before I knew it, I had people at my home every day for me to take naps and meals being delivered nightly so I had that much less to do. Sometimes someone would even clean or do laundry for me and before too long I started really feeling much better. I thought I was out of the woods and would just have occasional moments of being more tired here and there. Instead, as soon as I would try to push myself just a little, I would be hit with another sore throat and exhaustion. This held me back for MONTHS from being able to work out or do much more than daily house work until I finally went in to my doctor to see why I just wasn't seeming to get any better. She just told me that it could take easily as long as two years before I would be really better from this. So I went home and resolved myself to feeling mildly tired or having a mild sore throat here and there until I kick this awful virus.
Well, as I said earlier, I started working out about three and a half weeks ago. I was thinking to myself that exercise could only help since it is supposed to be great for a body. Well, before I knew it, I was going overboard in no time. I was going to the gym, ballet, yoga, the pool, and doing Pilates at home and hardly eating anything. Plus, I wasn't sleeping due to the fact that I have a very small infant that still wakes a minimum of two to three times a night. I don't know about other mothers of babies that wake as often as mine, but I hate going to bed any more. I feel this dread that as soon as my body relaxes into real sleep, I will be pulled right back out to take care of E. I can stay calm and quite rational if I am already awake when she gets up, but if I am forced awake, I am grumpy and lacking in any form of patience and I hate being that way soooo much. I hate it for E, for D, and for myself from guilt. So, I got myself into a health deficit in no time flat. I was putting out massive amounts of energy in exercise and care to the kids and house while taking in half the food and rest.
Just this weekend, it all caught up with me BIG. I went with C to the Mary Kay convention that was on Friday and Saturday and by Saturday, I was so sick I hardly held it together to get through the event. As soon as I got home, I went to bed and hid and by Sunday, I had completely lost my voice and could hardly take care of the smallest task. Today I woke up feeling better in the sense that I can talk again and I was okay taking care of the kids, but not the house. It is like months of extra rest and naps and such has been undone with only three weeks time. I think all this has boiled down to a very raw fact, I don't understand balance. When I want something as bad as I want to lose weight, I don't know how to not go completely overboard. This has been the case as far back as I can remember. So, here is the question, how much is just enough to be healthy and doesn't cross over into danger to my health. Not too long ago, I decided that my efforts were not giving me gratifying enough results and I was just devastated and angry. I wanted to either kill myself trying or give up completely. That was when D entered in and saved the day. He just told me that I was doing great and that this is the way weight loss always runs, it is a battle to the death at first and doesn't give ridiculous results like we tend to want. Then he asked me if I love to swim and I told him I didn't even know anymore because I felt like I was getting nowhere with it. It was then that he helped me realize that no matter what the outcome of the swimming and dancing, I love DOING them regardless! I LOVE to swim. I mean, I love that sport so much that even as sick as I have been I was still in that water today and loving every second of it. So, I am officially going to do things for the enjoyment instead of the weight or anything else. Weight loss is an awesome bonus, but I want to do these things because they are fun and invigorating for me. I just have to be more tuned into my body and its need for rest and nourishment. If you don't already know, I have had a long time battle with eating disorder behavior that has improved sooo much, but still looms around time to time when I am feeling vulnerable, sad, angry, or out of control. I have worked my tail off to put that behavior in the no-no zone, but it is something I work against in times like these. Luckily, I am just too darn happy to give in to it for too long and I have an incredible support system to boot. Not to mention that I sure developed a love for food being pregnant for almost three years in a row LOL. Okay, well, I have do that sleep thing before it gets too ridiculously past bedtime. Until next time...

Car Alarm Grace

So, my dear and precious G is a character all her own. As her mother, I have grown completely accustomed to her communication styles and find them to be either annoying or cute depending on the current situation we find ourselves in. While in Fallon though, it was brought to my attention by my goofy and lovable family members that G actually sounds just like a car alarm. Yes, you heard me right, a CAR ALARM. Whenever G really wants or needs anything, she chooses to make this noise that does in fact sound quite like one instead of bothering with actual words. My Grandma's opinion on this predicament is that M, who is quite the vocal child, does plenty of talking for she and G combined. I have tried my very hardest of late to try teaching my darling middle child to use words and it is about as traumatic for her as punishment. She will become absolutely beside herself with anger if I so dare as to demand an attempt at a "please" or "thank you". Now the oddest part of all this is the words that she actually does volunteer such as: "what's that?" "bless you" and the occasional "thank you" when given voluntarily only. Of late, I have even gotten her to acknowledge that I am mama only to have her decide to call herself mama two seconds later. Oh, the torture of a stubborn 17 month old. Woe is me!

Not too long ago, E was given her blessing in church by D. It was an amazing faith building experience for us as her parents. D and I fasted and prayed previous to the blessing and so when he went up in front during Sacrament meeting to administer the blessing, it was very spiritually charged. As D stood up there and lay his hands upon our dear baby, he was nearly over powered by the Holy Ghost to the point that it became difficult for him to speak or keep from weeping. Now, for a man to go through that, it is a very powerful experience. During the blessing, D was strongly impressed that E would meet and marry a very good man and the other moment that stood out was a shock to both of us. During the blessing, D was just saying what came out of his mouth through the Spirit and at one point, he blessed her to heal from her illness. When he came back to sit down afterward, I turned to him and questioned him what on earth that meant and he honestly couldn't tell me. As I sat and took he and E in, I could see the love of God himself flowing from D to E. There was a bond created so strong that he wouldn't let go of her until he left for work that evening. He looked at her differently and I could see that something very sacred and powerful had been created between them. All from one beautiful blessing. I can say as a mother and daughter of God, it built my testimony that much stronger to be a part of that moment.

So, as usual with me, I have changed my hair yet again. I have decided to go red for a spell and enjoy that. Also, I have decided to become a Mary Kay consultant and I could not be more excited. I know that for whatever reason, I feel completely drawn to this business and the personal growth that will come out of it for me. I have also started working out everyday and will be starting an adult ballet class tomorrow. All in all, I feel like I am becoming a whole person. I have even enrolled M into a Montessori preschool starting on March 31st until the end of this school year and she will continue with the new year in late August. I have had to face my demons in putting her out into the world even for three half days a week where I cannot protect and nurture her or control her environment. But it is vitally important for both of us for me to let her do this now so that we can both grow and develop, but it doesn't change how scary it is for me! Well, I need to try and recover the disaster that is my house after a day of abuse from the kids! Until next time...