Unthinkable

I have been dealing with Little Miss E's mystery smallness for her whole ten months of life now. I have fought endlessly for her to get medical attention and get a diagnoses that will enable us to get weight on her and have come up with nothing. After we got home from the hospital in LA, we started having a nurse that comes to visit twice a week and record weight gain and loss and monitor what we are doing that works and doesn't. Recently, I have even been able to get her seen by a civilian doctor in pediatrics that saw her as a newborn and got her through her infection at ten days old. About two and half weeks ago we went in and we had just started adding rice cereal to all of her bottles and she had her first significant weight gain in months and he was all happy with that. He told us to come back in two weeks to see how things were coming along. Well, when I brought her in, the weight had stopped again and she was still the same weight as she was the two weeks earlier, if not an ounce less. I went in knowing this because the visiting nurse had just weighed her the day before and told me the weight and that she was personally concerned and wanted to know how the dr. visit went.
When her doctor came in, I told him that her weight hadn't changed and he started grilling me about all kinds of things. He questioned how many people were in our family and the ages of our kids. He then questioned me about their health and implied that they had issues also, which I corrected because they eat like there is no tomorrow. He asked me if my husband spends much time with her and if he ever feeds her and if he knows how to feed her. I told him we both know exactly how to feed our child and that he is very good with her and taking care of her. He then says to me, "Well, something is wrong!" And I agreed immediately but he cut me off by continuing that our daughter's problem was D and I not being in tune enough with her emotionally for her to want to eat for us! I told him that I had spent a whole week at UCLA hospital and that the first two and a half days nothing was done with her and they just recorded every move I made with her and observed me. I told him that after watching me they were so convinced I was doing everything I could that they didn't even speak to a case worker and they put the NG tube in her nose to make her eat. I have tons of documents showing how hard I have been fighting to get her seen and helped and that I have even had to go through medical professionals implying I am overreacting to my child's size.
The doctor didn't even acknowledge my words and just kepting clicking away at his computer until he was done and just told me he was done and that I could leave now. He told me he wanted to send her up to Loma Linda hospital to see Behavioral Pediatrics and a different GI doctor and dismissed me by saying someone would call me and walked off. It was surreal and unthinkable to me that that had just happened. I was crushed and I just got her dressed after he didn't even look at her and checked out and left.
I called my husband and told him what had just happened and he was speachless. I drove home and did my normal thing in an almost fog until D ran to the store with the older two kids while E was asleep. I had a monster of a cold and wasn't feeling well so I just sat on the couch and finally broke down and cried. I prayed very hard then and asked Heavenly Father to do something to let me know that He was around and that I wasn't a horrible mother. Shortly after, D came home with flowers for me and within an hour of that, two of my friends just showed up at my door feeling concerned for me without knowing what was going on. Later that evening, our Home Teachers came over and I asked for a blessing and they were more than willing. In my blessing, I was told that God knew I was doing everything in my abilities and that he was more than aware of our situation. He then told me that I know myself that I am doing everything I can for her. He told me that understanding people would enter our situation in her care. There were other parts, but these ones pertain to this blog.
It helped to know that things were going to be okay. D is a guy and guys act when these things happen and that is exactly what D did. D went straight to our insurance and told them what happened and they encouraged him to make a discrepancy because they take these things very seriously. They also had our doctor call us at home since she is our primary care physician and not the pediatrician and is military. She was really good to me and we discussed what we should do and I decided to go through with what the pediatrician was saying just to rule it out and have that out of the way but to do it through the military instead of through him. Plus, I looked into Behavioral Pediatrics and some of the clinics actually have feeding clinics which could be huge for us even if we have to go through the trauma of them investigating us as parents to make sure she is emotionally and physically looked after. I have nothing to hide and just want help and for someone to actually know what is going on with her. I can't imagine ever having real answers at this point, but just someone coming up with an answer of any kind is more than I have now.
I went through the last few months waiting for someone to make accusations and now that it has finally happened, we can just deal with it and move forward. I love these children more than I can express and give them my heart and soul and attention. I nurture them and I know all these things just like God told me I do.

Guess it doesn't stop at 3

About a week and a half ago I went in for my physical exam for my pregnancy. This exam is the pap and breast exam and has never really meant much more to me than ruling stuff out and making sure all the parts are working right. This time that changed because there were a couple of different things that were found from this exam. During the breast exam, my dr. immediately located a slightly painful and swollen lymph node in my armpit. She asked if it hurt and I nodded that it had and she told me she would really like a breast ultrasound to rule out anything serious. She wanted to do it that day, but our insurance wasn't having it, so I was scheduled for Tuesday the 26th, which is this coming Tuesday. I was pretty unconcerned due to the fact that things like breast and lymphatic cancers tend to be more genetically connected and I didn't know of any problems like that in my family. Except I didn't know much of anything from my biological father's side, so I made a phone call to his mother, my grandmother. As soon as I layed it all out, she told me that her mother and both her sisters died of breast cancer and one even had lymphoma along with the breast cancer. She then told me she had a tumor removed herself from her breast and said something about my aunt that I can't remember because I was reeling by that point. I went from no fear of anything being wrong to there being an actual threat in a split second. I am fine now and the fact that I can blog about it is significant considering I found out a week and a half ago and it took me this long. It hasn't been fear that I actually believe something to be wrong, but fear of others going through that fear. My husband had to really struggle at first as he processed it all and he knows as well as I do that the odds are against anything being wrong at all. Personally I believe that I just have some breast tissue in there that is prelactating because any time I have nursed, my armpits are the worst part of the pain. I am confused why both sides aren't doing it, but maybe one side is just more active than the other. I don't know, I will have answers soon enough, but there is that.
The other thing that was caught was that I suddenly have Group B Strep. What is so weird about that is that I have had three kids before this where I never had it and now I do. I didn't even know that could happen to be honest. It is just a harmless bacteria for the mom, but it has potentially devestating affects on the babies if they pass through and it gets them. So, I am going to take a round of antibiotics now and then have more through my i.v. when the baby is delivered. Nothing scary, just weird to get it with the last baby and not at all with the first three. So far I have been super happy with my dr. and the amount of attention to detail that she has afforded me. I feel pretty safe with her and I love that because it is affirmation of a blessing I recieved at the beginning of my pregnancy. D gave me the blessing and in it he told me that my doctors would be guided in my care by the Lord and that I would "face challenges I can't understand" in the course of the pregnancy and that we would have a healthy baby. So far, I have had very guided medical care and I have gone through some things that I don't understand, but I know it is going to be okay. Blessings are amazing that way...

They Come In 3's

Have you ever heard the saying, "it always comes in three's" in regards to good and bad events? Well, we were living proof this week. Number one was small, but it hurt lol. We took all the girls to the indoor pool to have some family time outside the house. I took my really nice shampoo and conditioner with me that is from the salon and is pretty costly. It is one of those little things I do for myself to stay feeling okay when I sacrifice just about everything else. Well, at the end of the day, I left it there on accident and someone stole it asap. I tried to go back and get it but it was not turned in or left where it was, so there went A LOT of hair care that I really enjoy. I was more hurt and wounded by the actions of another person to steal something like that since that isn't how I work. I enjoy doing the right thing when I come across other people's things because I feel good about my actions and hope for it to work out. Number two and three were both a result of a trip to Sea World that we took on Thursday.

Number two happened to G and is was horrible. While at the park, G and E were in a double jogging stroller with a very large canopy and we made sure they were protected from the sun as much as possible. D, M, and I got the most exposure because we walked everywhere. The only time the little ones were in the sunlight was during one dolphin show and the Shamu show at a total of maybe 10-20 minutes compared to the hours for the rest of us. Well, the next morning when we all got up, G's cheeks and nose were covered in blisters. They broke open and covered from one cheek all the way across to the other with open sores on her face. It was unthinkable and I was completely upset. I immediately knew that in the state of California, they are known for their excessive child abuse accusations and was scared to take her in to the hospital for help. But I decided that not getting her help would look much worse than getting the help and just explaining what happened in case it became infected and got even more serious. So, D took her in and they treated her and admitted they were initially concerned that it was abuse but that it obviously wasn't the case with her. I just can't wrap my mind around someone harming a child, of all people, on purpose. I was just beside myself with guilt that I didn't do more to protect her and would be no matter what degree of effort was used. It was just unreal because no one else blistered anywhere and E had equal time in the sun and didn't even get pink. I have just decided to take this as a lesson learned on G's sensitivity to sunlight and add hats and even more aggressive sunscreen any time we are outdoors.

Number three was another display of complete dishonesty. D used my debit/credit card to purchase our gas for the drive home while we were in San Diego. He didn't put my card back and at a restroom stop at a gas station on the way, the card ended up in the wrong hands somehow. The next morning I asked for my card and it was missing completely. No frantic search unearthed it and I gave it a few days to see if it showed up. Well, a little voice told me to check our account yesterday and when I did I discovered four different charges in a row at the same gas station we had stopped at and not made any purchases of our own at. We immediately called the bank and they informed us that they had already restricted the card on their own because the charges were very suspicious to them. So we cancelled the card all together and I went in today and turned in all the dispute paperwork to have the money reimbursed to us and legal action pursued by the bank. In all, they stole $177 and change in the space of hours from us. I just have to say a big thank you to God and the bank for catching these things and acting so fast on their own. I admit it could have been worse and I thank God it wasn't.

So there is our three. Two thefts and a child hurt. I think we just need to hunker down and keep to ourselves for a while. I hope that the three's come to you in the good...

The True Meaning

The other day M came up to me while I was watching some t.v. program and sat next to me. She leaned her head on my shoulder and said, "Mama, you're my best friend." I didn't even know she knew that saying or what it meant, but in that moment, she taught me something completely new about love. Later I wanted to show D and I asked her if I was her best friend and she ran over and hugged me and told me I was. Then I asked her if Daddy was her best friend and she came over and held me and said, "No! Mama is my best friend!". I realized that she really understood at her level what that means because of that. I asked her if G was her friend and she told me "yeah, G is my friend" and then I asked her about E and she told me "No, E is too little." LOL. So, now when I am paying the least amount of attention, M will approach me with a kiss or hug or words that echo in my heart, "Mama, you are my best friend.". Motherhood is such a blessing.

Ultrasound Pictures!

Yesterday was our 12 week ultrasound to start checking for cleft lip or palate and to make sure the spine is okay. It went great and we have great pictures of the baby now and even a dvd that they made for us. I am deeply relieved so far and we go back in six weeks when we can finally find out what this new little one is. I have already accepted that I will have four beautiful little girls so I am not holding my breath on a boy. Well, please enjoy these! The last one is of the baby in 3D and at first it is so small that you might think it is a foot or something, but it is the whole baby from head to toe. It is amazing!

D the Furniture Whisperer

D has had insomnia lately and so I sent him off to the doctor about it. The doctor decided to give him a sleep aid to take when he gets home from work so he can actually sleep. At first I was just relieved to have him asleep before 6 am, but the other night made me wonder about what is worse... It was around 2:30 or 3 am and I woke up to the sound of D yelling. He kept saying, "Stop moving! Stop moving!". As I opened my eyes, he was standing facing our armoire and swaying in circles telling the armoire to stop moving. I immediately asked him what he was doing and he turned to me and told me the armiore, "is giving me the evil eye and won't stop moving". I could of course see that he was the one moving and that his sleeping aid was making him hallucinate. I yelled at him to just go to bed and knock it off. I told him I was going to the bathroom and to be in bed when I got done like I would one of our kids lol. When I came back in he was trying to convince me that the walls were moving and I just told him to go to bed and stop being weird. He finally put himself in bed and passed out right away. This morning was the first time we could talk about it and we both had a pretty hardy laugh, but I have to say it freaks anyone out to wake up to their spouse talking to furniture... and being serious about it. We have figured out that he stayed up long past when he should have after taking the pill and that if he lays down quick enough, it shouldn't happen again.  My husband the Furniture Whisperer.