I am not your type. I am not really anyone's type. I am not even a required taste or a delicacy to any. I am mine. I am my own. With that said, I am also not going to bend or shift or budge from who I am to appease anyone. I will not use anyone else's lingo or fall into their beliefs to make them like me. I have learned some hard and important lessons about what being myself, in my own body, in my own mind, with my own values and purpose, really even means. I have found healing power in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. Those entities are three distinct, powerful, beautiful, love-driven, sources of the deepest moments of peace, joy, calm, and love I have even experienced. They are why I am here, why my precious babies are here, and why all of you are here. Tah dah. That is IT.
I have endured a life filled with experiences that some find too graphic or ugly or uncomfortable to hear. I have literally LIVED through acts so evil by the hands of others that if I try to open up and find a place to confide, it is overwhelming for the other person and they make me stop talking or try to switch over to how "great" I am doing "now". They are not desensitized like me so they are feeling things about my own life that I do not even remembering feeling myself. That is something I am finally grasping. I am able to have gone through those experiences because God took over. He made it so that I could live past it and still be functional and someday heal enough to love. I knew God before anyone taught me anything because when those moments of terror or hurt took place, he took the wheel and allowed me to retreat far away. He very much was my protector and I knew Him just as I knew my mom or sister or grandma or any other family member. He NEVER left my side or left me to the wolves. Not ever.
I am 31 years old today. When I married, I thought all my woes were behind me and I moved forward into a life of being a devout member of the church. I had a perfect baby with my husband, got sealed to my husband in a temple, and felt my life was on a chartered flight to eternal happiness. I absolutely expected some trials here and there, but I certainly wanted to invest completely in my fairy tale no matter how absurd that may seem. I wanted my nightmares to be gone and over and for phase two to be a relief. Some of it absolutely was, while other things lingered unhealed and in need of care. I knew I would get to those issues over time but I had to be patient and wait until the season would come.
When my world unraveled and I was left a divorcee with four little ones starting phase three (out of who knows how many) of my life, I knew I had to move on and push through it. The way that has occurred is not what I expected it to be. I failed myself in some areas, was failed by others, was uplifted and loved and supported without question by others, and learned strengths in myself I never knew I possessed. After being abandoned by a faith I loved as much as I loved my own family members, I had to somehow try to figure out what to do next. I chose a time-out. I chose to stay close to the people that have unconditionally loved me all my life or at least as long as I have known them that do not require anything of me more than that I am me. I don't have to say or do or NOT DO anything for them because I am good enough for their love and acceptance no matter what.
I have felt like a piece of my identity was left out to hang indefinitely. Just adrift in the wind, flapping around, not really sure what to do with it. Before my faith I was a very shattered and cold person. In my experience, everyone was out to get me and if I sensed them ready to strike, I was ready to strike first or strike last, if not both. I grew up with country-girl "street smarts". The gospel soothed my scarred soul, gave me answers I so deeply longed for, and made me feel safe. I was surrounded by eager support and welcoming demeanor from all. I have NEVER felt more peace and oneness with my creator in all my life than I did the moment I was raised from the waters of baptism. It was profound. I was clean and weightless and filled with joy. You can't possibly know how heavy your burdens are until Jesus Christ himself lifts them permanently from you. There is no other experience I can compare it to.
I feel forgotten. One single angry woman purged my name of good to all she could reach. She somehow justified to other "Christians" that she was somehow in the right for putting myself and my four innocent children on the street. That is actually okay. I can't say I am angry because I am not. I am sad. I am wounded in a way that I cannot possibly explain to anyone who has not experienced it themselves. Most importantly I am done trying to prove my worth to anyone who doesn't want to see it. I know my Creator adores me. He crafted me with love and care and joy and sent me here to a world that may not possess the qualities of Heaven, but does possess the ability to allow me into Heaven someday with what I do here. It is my job to be good, all our job. To be kind. To forgive. To grow. To recognize sins and turn them into lessons. To raise hand-crafted pieces of God and somehow teach them what matters and what doesn't.
So, to my lovely and precious friends out there: I am not going to your church or any other right now. I have no definite plans on where I will go or what I will do. I know what I believe and I know what feels right and wrong. I just need time to deal with the words, actions, and lack of actions that have transpired both good and bad. I am so so sorry if that hurts you or offends you or makes you remove me from your life. I am not going to do or not do things to appease anyone. I am going to cope with what I need to through Heavenly Father, my Savior, and the Holy Ghost until they give me the go-ahead to do anything big. You have all impacted my life in a beautiful way. You would not be so important to my heart had you not. I hope you stay with me and do not decide to distance yourselves based on any changes that come along in me. I am up against some odds that are mountains from where I stand and I am doing my best.
I am doing my best.
1 comment:
Love this blog <3
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