Every morning after all FIVE of my children would load onto their buses or I dropped them off at school, I would go pick up breakfast and some form of caffeine (I was still trying to push through blinding migraines after my brain and neck injuries) and then drive over to the college. I would get out all my college stuff and hoof it to the college library where I would then spend almost three hours Monday through Thursday studying. I would then head home to meet the bus from my half-day preschoolers and get them fed and run errands and get naps taken care of. I would go to classes throughout the day as well. I would attempt to do all my housework in-between. Some evenings I would wait for L to be available and for him to take care of the little kids and I would go to a library, McDonald's, or Cafe and study or do homework until I would run out of working hours or homework (usually working hours came far before homework completion).
Thursdays still belonged to weekly trips to Reno for my G to get the help she needs in daily skills for her PDD-NOS and then I would have to have all my pottery projects for the week ready to present that evening. I would usually make Tuesday afternoons my pottery days and build whatever I was needing to while letting the boys play with clay next to me. It worked out nicely. Fridays are no Kindergarten or preschool so I had kids home and would have to do what I could at home with them until L was off work and off I would go to do more school work. Weekends were OWNED by my studying and homework and I would meet with a study buddy and spend at least 8 hours a day on it. Success, in my book, meant that I understood my coursework well enough to fly through a test were one approaching and I would pour over my studies until I would reach that point, no question or room for anything less would do.
It took me until my late 20's and becoming not only a mother of 4 children 4 years apart in age, but a divorced single parent to those 4 lovelies to GET IT. I had ample opportunity to go to college and succeed and achieve my degree before I married and had all my children. I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't have motivation, I was easily distracted, I didn't want to devote my fun time to my school work, I was immature and I was directionless. My studies went about as far as... SQUIRREL! Oops, sorry, I mean I could study about as long as.... SQUIRREL! Yeah, that is about as far as those efforts got me back in the day. I wasn't ready and I wasn't serious or realistic about what it really took to reach goals at a college level. I get it now. I get it so much deeper than I can possibly express or share.
To take it a little further on just how driven I have to be, let us remember that I have an immune compromised 6 year old. She would get sick, scary sick, and I would rush her to a doctor that would have to admit her into the hospital. I would study with her in the bed next to me, have someone close to her come by to hang with her, go take an exam or attend a class, then go straight back to her bedside and get an A on my exam. How? Am I just so detached and blinded with succeeding? No, far from it. It was because the whole time I took that exam, I knew that I wanted to make sure I gave her and all her siblings the very best of me always. To fail that test would undermine leaving her side when my heart and soul ached to be with her ALWAYS, especially when she was in distress and surrounded by sterile beds and hard-working medical staff. She deserved nothing less than my complete best on anything that I needed to step away to do. I gave her that. I gave all of them that even if it was hours sitting in a library studying.
Getting exposed to so much nastiness would eventually knock me down with horrible viruses. More than once I would contract some spiffy new disgusting illness that would immediately nestle itself into my sinuses, chest, or lungs and just have a party. I would wear turtlenecks to class to breath into and have something to cough into. I had stashes of antiseptic hand gels in my backpack. I would attend backup labs to avoid spreading the love so that my antibiotics could take affect. I would sit far away from others, feeling like I was 90 years old and needing a nap and still push through it all. That is what college means. I am paying to be there. My only real opportunity at full independence balances on my devoting everything to this. It is worth this, all of it.
None of it was possible without a MASSIVE support system. L had my back and felt so abandoned at times. We had to make a deal to help us both push through these energy-sucking vacuums of classes. He would do all the kid backup and work the 40+ hours a week and deal with weekends where he barely saw me and I would get my degree and then return that favor in spades. We have a deal. I will rock school, become a nurse, and then allow him the same support when he goes to college. I love that so much about him. Education is a catalyst to us both. He will get equal, or more, to what he is giving in return. I am looking forward to the days when I have reached my goals and can cheer him on for his. I love him and love being a part of his happiness.
Outside of L's endless and selfless support, I have S. She watches my kids for EXTREMELY affordable rates and all my children love her so much that they beg for her constantly. Makes me feel like chopped liver, but S is a rock star so I have to eat it LOL. She is the ONLY reason I could attend my classes and not have to come up with hundreds of dollars more than my pell grant allows for child care costs. I know it can be taxing with her health issues, but I appreciate her beyond what I am able to tell her. My children call her their "soul aunt" because instead of being related, they get to choose her as family. That is love. My mom is always ready and willing even though she has a plate equally full as mine when crisis arises. She has saved my butt many times. I love my mommy.
I got a 4.0 GPA again. I made the Deans' List again. I worked every single day of that semester and the one before it to reach that goal. I will have to do it again, and again, and again... None of it is because I am "smart". None of it was just, show up and you will do fine. I sat down with a planner, made a study schedule, enlisted the support it would require, and slaved over it with strict precision. You can do it too. I am not smarter than you, I am not stronger than you, I am not anything more than you. I have failed so many times in my life, but I got up and I made a plan to fix those bad choices and I went to it. You can too. If you have a dream or a goal, you CAN do it. I believe completely in that and in you.
So, what is your dream?
What challenges hold you back?
What could change that?
When do you start?
1 comment:
I love you and my nieces and nephews so much that I'd watch them for free if I had any money <3
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