Dragging

Okay, so according to the nurse practitioner's best guess on the day I will be c-sectioned, I am having the baby in a month from today. That feels far away and right on top of me simultaniously. My body is so so tired and my mind is racing on all the things that I need to get accomplished before he arrives. So, my mind is saying "do this and do that" while my body is going "ha, ha, ha, ect..." at it. Being a mom has the worst version of sick days and maternity leave ever. I am working just as hard as someone in a work place but don't have any sick days or even a respite when I am 8 1/2 months pregnant. Awesome, really. Heck, I am on-call all through the night for my children even. Okay, I am done whining for the moment, just had to complain out loud to feel heard.

Looking Back and to the Future

So, I am only 5 1/2 weeks from the c-section. I don't plan on having any more children and as this pregnancy is drawing to it's end, I have a lot of feelings about it. More than anything, I feel quiet and reflective about the last five years and how much of it I spent carrying my precious babies. What a blessing it is to be the mommy and to watch your body change and to begin the bonding with your child. To watch your baby move or feel them is amazing and a true-to-form miracle. I once took a medical terminology class in which the professor went through the process of conception and by the end of the class, it was a wonder that anyone actually becomes pregnant with all that has to be perfect in every way for it to work. He called pregnancy a miracle and I agree. I have loved this chapter of my life and all though it has happened all very quickly, it was meant to be that way and I trust in that completely. I am looking forward to the new chapter that will begin when this precious little boy is born and I am excited to have these amazing four children to share my life with. They are forever and always going to be the people by which I will judge myself as a person based on how well I serve them as their mother and teach them how to be the best people they can be. I have a wonderful husband by my side that will be an amazing father in the future as much as he is now. I pray that this part of my life will forever be a precious memory and that the future brings equal joys and miracles. In the pictures provided, I have shown pictures of my pregnancies with each child. It amazes me! It goes in chronological order of M, G, E, and Z.

E Update

We went in to see the audiologist today and finally have some insight into why E is not developing in speech. When the doctor looked in her ears, they were completely filled with wax that was hard instead of soft like it is meant to be. Then when she put in the little tester thing in her ear, she did get some readings that made her think that there is either fluid built up in her ear or the canal is shut completely and causing pressure in her middle ear. Then when the hearing portion was run to the extent we can test before the wax is removed, her hearing was definitely impaired. She was hearing at about the level of someone with earplugs in their ears instead of how a normal person hears (they called it a 1 mile radius). So, in the picture I attached, there is the red section and those are the areas that are suspected to have the most trouble right now. The outer ear is clogged with wax because E is not producing an oil that is supposed to be produced to soften the wax, so it is instead hard and stuck and building up constantly and blocking her eardrum. Then on the middle ear (Eustation Tube), there is either fluid or it is closed from her sinus problems and causing a pressure build-up and issues there. It appeared her left ear is worse than her right.
Our plan of attack from here is that we are first going to do multiple eardrops and water flushes a day for the next two weeks to see if we can make any improvement on getting the wax out. If that doesn't work, she will be scheduled to see an ENT doctor who will surgically remove the wax and E will have to go under for that. Once that is done, a thorough hearing test will be able to be done and after that, there will be a brainstem test done while she is asleep to see if the nerves in her inner ear and brainstem are working correctly. So, we are in for some exciting times trying to do the eardrops twice to four times a day with a wiggly-almost-15-month-old. Fun times. At least we now have answers and a direction to go in on that end of things. The doctor explained to me that whatever condition it is that makes her so small is probably what has caused her the inability to make her oils for her ears. It stinks, but it is something we can do something about and I don't feel helpless.
Yesterday we went to the hospital lab and they drew something like six viles of blood from her because her pediatrician is starting to look into how E's immune system is working. It is a relief for a doctor to be actively seeking answers instead of just me. Aside from the lab work, we are waiting on a referral to get her in for what is called a cinefloroscopy and she has an appointment with her GI specialist. All this BEFORE I deliver our baby boy and that is only six weeks from now! Busy, busy. I guess I like it that way. Please send prayers our way that the eardrops work and E can avoid surgery.

Only 7 weeks left!

Here are some late pictures on my growing self lol. These are of 30 and 32 weeks.

Lullaby

E had a bad night. There was a lot of coughing and snot and just all around unpeaceful sleep for her. This was more than evident this morning when we got up and she was acting yucky and tired and grumpy. I finally had enough of the grumpiness and sat down with her and started rocking her in the front room recliner to help soothe her as her being in her crib was not cutting it. She was just screaming and that wasn't my goal by any length. As I started rocking her, M came over and started singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to her. She has never heard me sing a lullaby as I am not very good with them so I just watched her sing to her baby sister as I rocked her. It was beautiful. The funny part is that instead of making E want to sleep, she started trying to sing along with her as best she could! I love moments of such tenderness between my children. That is something to really bring in the holiday of Thanksgiving if ever there was one, my children loving each other.

Good morning...

I've been trying really hard to take time out of each day to sit and watch and take in what my kids do and say and behave like. I feel this need to be aware of them and record special and precious moments that give me sunshine. My most recent thing of note is a M thing. Every morning, G will come to climb into bed with me long before her sisters are up. She will either go to sleep next to me or she will monkey around until I kick her out of the bed and into her room to play. Well, around 7 am every morning, M will find her way into our room and say, "good morning Mama, it's a beautiful day! The sun is shining! Get up Mama, get up and get dressed!" It is a great way to wake up, I have to admit. For as long as I can remember with M she has always woken up so happy. Just radiant that a new day has come and she gets to be in it and live. It helps when I am starting to feel so incredibly exhausted all the time to have such a positive force in my life to drag me up and out of bed. Kids are such a blessing in reminding us how lucky we really are to be here and be alive. And how blessed we are to learn that from them and not get too caught up in the adult concerns in life.

Bring on the Donuts

I have to admit that in comparison to my first and even second pregnancies, I have been relatively oblivious to my trimester and even week in pregnancy with this one. It was worse with E because of the denial and depression I had with her, but all in all I have been pretty relaxed with this little guy. I think the majority of my disinterest comes from the fact that I don't bother to think about things like I used to in order to not be miserable or annoyed. Plus, I am used to the whole being pregnant business and just sort of go with it while chasing three children around 24 hours a day. Very distracting.

Well, in my state of oblivion, I was very confused when I was all of the sudden eating food like a bear gearing up for winter. I mean, I am only 26 weeks and I have barely gained any weight outside of the required amount up until this because I didn't feel the need to eat more than it took to feel comfortable. I was deliriously happy to have finally figured this out after all the work I did to lose the weight before I got pregnant this last time. I was thinking to myself, "at this rate, I won't be a cow when the baby is born! Woo Hoo!". Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and it is a whole new ballgame. I am ravenous! I want to eat until I see food in my eyeballs! I wondered to myself what on earth was going on?

I figured it out. I finally hunted down my pregnancy journal that follows a pregnancy from conception to birth and when I got it all caught up on the dates, I realized I am in my third trimester. You know, the one where the baby is sending messages to your brain that you must eat and make them fat and you can get fat too while you are at it. Yeah, that trimester. I have to admit that I am excited at already being here since I feel like I was told about the pregnancy yesterday and here I am only three months from having my little boy now. But come on with the food! I am not interested in the 200 pound version of myself so I have got to find a way to convince this little man that mommy has all the yummies he needs without eating four servings of it! Oh well, that is making babies for ya. At least I started this pregnancy at my lowest weight since my first baby and have a chance at not blowing up all the way this time. Sigh...

E has actually gotten on the growth chart! Last month she was barely touching on the 1st percentile and this month her weight and height together were in the 25th! That is HUGE. She still is a miniature baby and the five month old in the waiting area was bigger than her, but I can now say that she is making honest improvement. I am very happy about that. Her speech skills are still very behind, but I have noticed that she is communicating better anyway. She has a special way of whining where I know exactly what she is trying to tell me, be it "I'm happy" "I'm tired" "G took it away from me again" or "Daddy!!!!". I am still trying to get her to an ear doctor to make sure that she is hearing well because of how delayed her speech is getting but that is a whole other subject.

G is taking on the "I am two and defiant" roll like a champ. She has taken on the all over great response to everything said to her... "NO". So, right now, if you are to ask my dear middle child any question (other than if she wants candy), she will promptly answer with "no!" and throw her arms together to cross them. Another favorite these days is the word "mine". On an average day, I will feel as if I am raising a parrot that knows the words "no", "mine", and "candy". Awesome. But hey, the times where she remembers the words mama or please or thank you, I drink it in and I about burst into song and dance when I hear the words "yeah" or "yes".

M is about to have her own room. We have decided that she is in need of some alone time or personal space. With Christmas sneaking up on us it is going to be difficult to get M the gifts we want to if she will be sharing a space with her 2 year old destructor of a sister, so to her own room she will go. It should be fun and exciting for me to do for her since I am starting to nest or manic or some mixing pot of the two, but all the same, it will be a good outlet for me.

All in all, things are pushing right along. We are just enjoying these kids so much and looking forward to having our last little one. We have decided that four is our cut off unless God decides that he will just give us another regardless of my tubes being tied. It has happened to women before, but I will not think about that LOL.