"How is this possible? You ran a pregnancy test and it came back negative!" I was ANGRY.
"By my calculations, you were exactly 5 days into the pregnancy when we ran the test and you have to be 10 days for your HcG levels to be high enough for detection. You were just too early for our test to find it." With that he printed off a picture from my ultrasound and handed it to me. I looked down at the picture of a little baby shaped like a bean lying resting against my uterus lining.
"What about the birth control patch and antidepressants I have been on the last FOUR WEEKS? Is that a danger here?"
"Not that I know of, but we will make sure to keep an eye on the baby just in case."
"So you are telling me that I got pregnant when G was only 3 months old? This doesn't seem possible!"
"Well it does happen with the mini pill. You are definitely having another baby... unless you want to do something terrible like terminate it..."
I shook my head NO, but I sat there quietly and just for a moment, I understood the desperation of a woman that would consider terminating a pregnancy. I was so scared and this was so real and for the first time in my life I could finally empathize with a woman faced with that urge. I wanted this to go away. I even told myself that my body could not possibly carry another baby and that I would miscarry. But in no way would I take a measure of any kind to harm this pregnancy. Some part of me knew that once I looked at the baby and held the baby, I would be in love, but that love was not here yet.
After the appointment I sat in my car and anger filled me like poison. There was no God. God knew my limits and if he existed he would NEVER do this to me! All there was was a planet full of people and nature and there was no purpose or direction or anything or anyone running the shots. I thought I knew things. I thought I was tight with my maker just enough to be warned or protected. It unrooted a deep and passionate faith system I had had for years. I sat in a state of utter despair and loss of faith in my car. What was I going to do? I could not possibly be the quality level mother I had envisioned and planned on to my already born children if I was pregnant or taking care of a newborn. This was so unfair to my two children! God should have known my limits. If he was real, he would not have done this to me. I used protection...
D could see I was in a dark rabbit hole. He offered to give me a blessing and I obliged. Not because I believed in blessings at the moment, but because I didn't want to destroy his faith by refusing his efforts to be a man of God. I wouldn't wish the darkness I was feeling on him or anyone. I sat down in a chair arranged in the middle of the floor and closed my eyes as he rest is palms on my head. He spoke words to me straight from the heart of God that night. He told me that I WOULD have this baby, but that it would be hard. Hard on me and hard on my family. He told me that God would be by our sides and with every medical professional that took care of us and that our baby would be "protected" against illness. He gave me a sense of closure that this was real and that God knew exactly what he was doing even if I didn't understand or accept it.
I finally cried. No part of this made a freaking bit of sense to me but I numbly went along with it. I would bring a throw up bag with me for when I changed diapers because if there was poop, my morning sickness would not tolerate it. I would do what I could to take care of my other two babies while the intense exhaustion of the first trimester worked its way through me during D's work hours. He would have to come home and immediately take over because I was too sick and too tired to do much once I had backup. The only time I would fall apart completely would be if I had to make the 20 minute drive from our satellite housing base to the main base. With the other two strapped into their carseats, quiet and happy with whatever toys I supplied them with, I would have time to think and it would wash over me in waves of panic and fear. I was pregnant again. I avoided driving anywhere for any reason for a while.
By the time I was 18 weeks, we went in for the ultrasound that determined our baby was a girl and then two days later, left Japan to move to a new command in California. We first made a trip to Tennessee to visit with D's family that he had not seen in three years. Even though I should have been overjoyed to be back stateside, one day I simply laid my head down on a couch in my in-law's upstairs and wept from what I think was culture shock and pregnancy depression. D made me promise to get help as soon as we got to the new command and I thought it would be best myself. I knew I was not well.
Pregnant with E and putting on a brave face.We went and picked up a van we had ordered from Japan in CA and drove it to check into our new home of Ridgecrest, CA on the China Lake Naval Base. We got into housing relatively quickly and I kept my promise to get help. I went to a psychiatrist that was approved by our medical insurance (Tricare) and he asked me a lot of questions that I answered yes to over and over. Within an hour and a half he diagnosed me with mild bipolar type 2 and put me on bipolar medications. I called my mom to tell her and she was relieved by the diagnosis. She had blamed herself for my sometimes outrageous behaviors and would shield me from the ADHD craze when mothers were being told to put their kids on Ritalin by teachers and doctors and now she was validated in her decision. I opted to start therapy because I needed to get guidance on the denial I felt about my disorder and pregnancy. I stuck with that therapy the entire two years I lived in Ridgecrest. I needed it.
1 comment:
My poor Nae. You were a mess :(
Post a Comment