Everything has been such a mess around here. D was supposed to have hit what is called higher tenior in the Navy. Higher tenior is when a service member hits 14 years in the military and if they have not advanced to the pay grade of E6 (or petty officer first class), the military refuses to re-enlist them. It is their way of robbing people of their retirement and weeding through people making more money to make room for the new people coming in that make significantly less while doing the same job. To add salt to the wound, in D’s specific rate (job) in the Navy, there is only between a 1%-3% advancement for all E5’s every six months. A couple of cycles ago only 20 people Navy-wide made E6 in his rate. 20 people. That is insanity if you ask me.
Well, D didn't make E6 when his final advancement results came out in December so we knew that that meant we were done and would have to accept it and make plans for civilian life. D’s last day was supposed to be May 1st so he decided to take what is called terminal leave so that he would not be working and could get us moved and start looking for work while still receiving his last couple of paychecks from the military. It was our hope to have that hold us over as he found work wherever he could so that we would be receiving income straight through. D was able to start that leave on March 11th and got it approved. So I went ahead and set up my transfer with Target because I knew when we were going to be leaving so I knew when I would be getting there to start work. We thought we had a pretty good plan and D started going through his checking out process with the Navy.
About two to two and a half weeks ago, D called me and told me that they had changed their minds. That there is a new policy in the Navy where they can extend your time left in the Navy just long enough to find out the advancement results one last time in hopes of him making E6 after all. That meant we would be here until June 20th instead of March 11th. They made it sound like it was very likely going to be approved and that he should know in a week. This put me in a bad position with my job. I already put in my transfer and it got approved and I have a starting day of March 22nd that I gave them. So I needed to know as quickly as possible if this was going to happen so that I could extend my time with the Target here and postpone my transfer there until further notice. But my hopes were up pretty high that he was going to be getting extended which was a dream come true for me because it meant we would get to live this life just a little bit longer.
As we were waiting and D was talking to people, they told him that his chances were actually very slim at getting the extension because apparently his rate is 112% over manned and they won’t be looking to give anyone second chances if they can get rid of people to make room. So that sent me spinning into the other extreme of thinking that I needed to get back into the mindset of leaving here March 11th after all. But we still had not received any word on the Navy’s final decision and my last day at this Target was closing in on me with no idea if I needed to stay there or move on to the one in TN still. Finally we are here today. And we STILL don’t know anything. I am supposed to be in TN by March 21st to start work on the 22nd and I still don’t even know what is happening with D. At this point, for me to get there in time to keep my job I have to leave with my four kids by myself and drive across the country with no one else to help me. No matter what the Navy’s decision, there won’t be enough time for us to get packed out, get our house clean up, or get checked out of housing so we can all leave together. D will have to cancel his leave that is supposed to start on Thursday and I will still have to leave that day if I want to see my family one last time before moving across the country from them.
The worst part of all of this is my denial. I have been in complete denial about all of this. I have been avoiding cleaning or packing or doing anything that would line up with us leaving here because the truth is that I start having anxiety attacks just thinking about it. My mind starts spinning into this horrible future filled with unpayable bills, over extending our welcome with my in-laws, struggling to buy food, and piles of medical bills we can’t pay from E’s health needs. Then it starts playing out my marriage deteriorating from the stress of both of us trying to work crappy minimum wage jobs and going to college while our children suffer from not seeing enough of either of us. It is like a nightmare playing out in my mind when I try to even start preparing to leave here. I feel like the floor is going to literally drop out from under me and my family and I am scared to death. What am I supposed to do? I know the economy is in shambles right now and neither D nor myself have a degree of any kind to find good paying work.
So I am sitting on a ledge right now. If D finds out he didn't get this extension, we are done. Either we all leave together or we leave ahead of him and he catches up to us as soon as he can get packed out of the house and checked out of the Navy. If his extension is approved, I have to decide if I want to cancel my extension and stay here with him until June in hopes that he makes E6 or go ahead and go start my job in TN anyway assuming he won’t make it since his chances are 1%-3%. If he gets this extension and I have already left, he will take terminal leave assuming he won’t make it and will be in TN around the first week of May. From there he will look for work until he finds out the results. If he doesn't make it, he is done with the Navy. If he somehow does make it, he will have to head back asap to re-enlist and the kids and I will join him once he has new orders. It is too much to think about. Just too much for me to keep it together anymore. I feel like I have these little hairline fractures in my chest just waiting for the right tap to finally make me break. Like one wrong move will shatter me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the information I need in order to make the right decision. I want to pray about it and get an answer, but I am scared to death I will put myself out there and get no answers and will be left feeling utterly alone in all of this. Don’t think I am questioning God, because I am not. I am questioning where I stand with Him and my worthiness in being able to communicate with Him. I feel like I am not in a good place in His sight and that my behaviors and choices have distanced me so much from him, that I can’t receive anything from Him right now. I feel lost by my own faults. I let go of the rod and wandered off somewhere and I am so ashamed of myself for that that I don’t feel comfortable approaching Him for anything like blessings or answers to anything. And it is all on me that I found myself here. All I want is to go to the temple, fast and pray, and be close to Him, but I feel unworthy of that. I want repentance, but I don’t want to do it out of a motive of getting answers I need right now. I want to go through that process out of an honest desire to revert back to the person I once was and I don’t know what is holding me back from that.
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? I feel trapped in this awful place and I wish I could wake up and it would all be gone and my life could go on safe and secure like it has been over the last six years. I don’t want E’s health to tear our family apart with dept and stress and hold me back from getting her the best care because of money. She deserves better. She is my baby. My sweet baby girl that has fought her way through so much with the significant aid of her medical teams. She has gotten amazing support and care and now that is about to be taken away from her. I don’t know how to cope with that. I guess there are state and federal aids available that I will do research into and get her as soon as possible once our time with the Navy has ended, but I am so stressed out right now. Scared. What else should I be when I am denying myself context with the Lord out of guilt? I have to overcome this. I have to open my closet and face my icky skeletons now. I have to get the right foundation under me before this hurricane hits or I can’t begin to imagine what could happen to my family.
To be honest, all I want is to be able to be at home with my babies and raise them. I don’t want to be leaving them to go to work. I absolutely detest the idea of putting any of them in daycare because it isn't where I feel they belong. No one else is their mommy and no one else besides D and I should be raising them. That is a personal opinion and I do not judge anyone else’s feeling that are contradictory to my own because I trust that most parents know what is best for their own children and families. But I need to be with my children. I guess when it really comes down to it, all of my anxiety is based on my love for them. I want that safety and security and coverage for them. My kids need their parents. So I guess what it really comes down to is that I have to get myself gathered and brave and face my demons once and for all because my children are depending on me to do it. I have to love them enough to do what scares me. I have to find that rod so that I have something to hold onto when the storm finally arrives. I have to love more than I fear and I believe I can do it.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Lovable
There was a lesson in Relief Society today in church and it was about love. I had my energetic baby boy going just crazy wanting to get into what he could and I was majorly distracted about 90% of the class. I finally was able to do a swap with D and go back into the class for the last maybe ten minutes of it with no cute baby distraction. I sat down and listened, but to my chagrin I found myself really trying to process my own reality when it comes to love rather than listening to what she was teaching. What does love really even mean to me? When did I fall into real love for the first time? With whom? What about love for friends? Even more questionably, strangers? What was my perception of love before joining the church? Who loves me and in what ways?
I have a nasty tendency of wanting to make comments during classes. I catch myself not listening so much as looking for an opportunity to insert my experiences or feelings. I have actually made a point of breaking this habit because I know that I have way more to learn than to teach and that if I just stop and listen, I can learn a lot. Buuuuuuutttttt, I still have my little relapses on occasion and that started happening today. I can’t hardly remember anything in the lesson because my mind spun off into my own little place trying to comb over all my experiences with love and how they pertained to the lesson. Luckily, I caught myself and kept my mouth shut, but it did get me thinking about some rather serious issues I have been skimming over for a long time.
Growing up, I was a rather cold friend. I could love you one minute and completely wash my hands of you the next, no explanations offered. I was disconnected somehow. As a small child, I felt like a 21 year old trapped in a child’s body so other children frustrated me and a lot of bullying toward me took place. As a result, my ability to connect to other children was always at face value. As I grew up, looking at little kids younger than myself didn’t make me think of how cute they were, I saw them as little piranha fish ready to go after the weakest thing in the playground. Little kids equaled cruelty in my mind. As I hit Junior High, I would rather have lost an arm than go through each new day. I hated the social atmosphere. I felt alone no matter what friends I had or how many. I knew it was all fair weather for them and for me. Love was not my forte to put it lightly, survival was.
Instead of loving people, I loved music. I loved the cello and I loved to sing. I felt safe and natural when I did those things. I loved being on the swim team. Swimming was another natural thing for me and although it was a team, it was an individual’s sort of team. I swam for me, not for anyone else and no one else was going to beat me down because I wasn’t good enough for them. It was just me, the coach, and the strokes in the water. Those loves were the ones I had as a child and preteen. High school was when the firestorm hit. I thought I loved everybody! I loved my friends, I loved boys, I loved all my extracurricular activities! I was just soooo in love! I felt like all the mean kids were too busy trying to find their own place in this bigger school with older kids in it, that they just didn’t have the time to torture me anymore. There were older boys to chase after and new friends to make. It was great!
Well, as that settled I went through about seven boyfriends from Freshman to Senior years. Some of them were utterly forgettable and some of them were utterly unforgettable. Friendships I also went through. Only two friends really and truly stood out against the rest. There was Sara and there was Kari. They are to this day the only two friends from high school that I seemed to be truly best friends with in a way were there was a real friendship level of love. How they broke through the callous around my heart, I doubt I will ever know, but they did and it was in those friendships that something started to come to life within me. It became possible to emotionally attach to another human being my own age. The thought had never even occurred to me before that.
Now, in regards to being in love, I thought I was five times before meeting D. I had the misconception that loving someone meant that you were more infatuated with them anything and that you should sacrifice being yourself or even being happy in order to receive the love back. This was especially so with one guy in specific and the damage that was done in the two years I spent with him is immeasurable. My heart had been bruised deeply and scars were left by the young age of 18 years old. At the end of this nightmare relationship was when I found the church. And that was when I got a taste of what real love felt like. I suddenly had a whole social clique that I belonged to, people were happy to see me and I was happy to see them too. There was a special sort of glow that I felt inside that I had never felt before. Almost like something warming from the inside outward and I knew that that feeling must be what everyone was talking about when they used the L word, not the hollow thing I had been mistaking it for.
By the time I met D, I had figured out love in the aspect of family, friends, and even religion, but I was utterly lost with men. I kept trying to find that love connection with the guys I was supposed to, but it just wasn't happening. So I tried with the guys I was NOT supposed to and that, too, was not a success. Thankfully, I figured out that I was just a lost child in regards to it and I gave up. That was when the real deal fell at my feet. It wasn't forced, it wasn't awkward, it wasn't formal. It was natural and effortless. It just fit as if it had always been there. I learned what it meant to be loved simply because I was me. I didn't have to be anything or anyone else and I was loved completely. Even more amazingly, I loved him back. As is. I knew I loved him as a human being immediately and it took no time to fall all the way into love with him. Just like music and swimming, it was just right and made me happy and comfortable in my skin.
I knew I wanted to have a baby as soon as we got married. He wanted one immediately as well. So our precious little girl joined our family one year and one month after we got married. I still remember the moment that I learned what it meant to love a child. I was sitting on our couch after feeding M shortly after bringing her home from the hospital. She fell asleep in my arms. She was in a little pink onesie with stripes and care bears on it. I sat there taking her in and I suddenly became overwhelmed with love for her and before I knew it, I was crying. For the first time in my life, I loved someone so much that the only thing I could do was cry. That moment changed me forever. Every time I saw a child, I didn't see a piranha, I saw someone’s baby. In fact, almost every person I saw was someone that I could relate something to that made them lovable. It was all so alien, but I enjoyed it so much.
In the present, I am still learning. It feels like a slippery slope. I have to ask myself if I am capable of actually trusting another person enough to love them. Due to my history of not being the biggest fan of being vulnerable, I am especially cautious when it pertains to loving other people. But that isn't what love is supposed to be about. God doesn't teach us to love the perfect because we would be alone forever. He teaches us to love one another. Period. To look at one another as a brother or sister. As God’s own children (yourself included). Since having my four, I understand a fraction of the intensity of love God feels for each of his children and it is astounding. I am working on learning the difference between trusting another person versus loving them. Trust is an earned privilege and in no way should be given to all while love is an essential piece of happiness for everyone. I don’t trust everyone I love, but I love them nonetheless and I know they love me too. Thankfully, I know that in God, I get the best of both worlds no matter what. And even better, I know he loves me back. I guess my greatest question at the end of all this is if I ever really learned how to love me?
I have a nasty tendency of wanting to make comments during classes. I catch myself not listening so much as looking for an opportunity to insert my experiences or feelings. I have actually made a point of breaking this habit because I know that I have way more to learn than to teach and that if I just stop and listen, I can learn a lot. Buuuuuuutttttt, I still have my little relapses on occasion and that started happening today. I can’t hardly remember anything in the lesson because my mind spun off into my own little place trying to comb over all my experiences with love and how they pertained to the lesson. Luckily, I caught myself and kept my mouth shut, but it did get me thinking about some rather serious issues I have been skimming over for a long time.
Growing up, I was a rather cold friend. I could love you one minute and completely wash my hands of you the next, no explanations offered. I was disconnected somehow. As a small child, I felt like a 21 year old trapped in a child’s body so other children frustrated me and a lot of bullying toward me took place. As a result, my ability to connect to other children was always at face value. As I grew up, looking at little kids younger than myself didn’t make me think of how cute they were, I saw them as little piranha fish ready to go after the weakest thing in the playground. Little kids equaled cruelty in my mind. As I hit Junior High, I would rather have lost an arm than go through each new day. I hated the social atmosphere. I felt alone no matter what friends I had or how many. I knew it was all fair weather for them and for me. Love was not my forte to put it lightly, survival was.
Instead of loving people, I loved music. I loved the cello and I loved to sing. I felt safe and natural when I did those things. I loved being on the swim team. Swimming was another natural thing for me and although it was a team, it was an individual’s sort of team. I swam for me, not for anyone else and no one else was going to beat me down because I wasn’t good enough for them. It was just me, the coach, and the strokes in the water. Those loves were the ones I had as a child and preteen. High school was when the firestorm hit. I thought I loved everybody! I loved my friends, I loved boys, I loved all my extracurricular activities! I was just soooo in love! I felt like all the mean kids were too busy trying to find their own place in this bigger school with older kids in it, that they just didn’t have the time to torture me anymore. There were older boys to chase after and new friends to make. It was great!
Well, as that settled I went through about seven boyfriends from Freshman to Senior years. Some of them were utterly forgettable and some of them were utterly unforgettable. Friendships I also went through. Only two friends really and truly stood out against the rest. There was Sara and there was Kari. They are to this day the only two friends from high school that I seemed to be truly best friends with in a way were there was a real friendship level of love. How they broke through the callous around my heart, I doubt I will ever know, but they did and it was in those friendships that something started to come to life within me. It became possible to emotionally attach to another human being my own age. The thought had never even occurred to me before that.
Now, in regards to being in love, I thought I was five times before meeting D. I had the misconception that loving someone meant that you were more infatuated with them anything and that you should sacrifice being yourself or even being happy in order to receive the love back. This was especially so with one guy in specific and the damage that was done in the two years I spent with him is immeasurable. My heart had been bruised deeply and scars were left by the young age of 18 years old. At the end of this nightmare relationship was when I found the church. And that was when I got a taste of what real love felt like. I suddenly had a whole social clique that I belonged to, people were happy to see me and I was happy to see them too. There was a special sort of glow that I felt inside that I had never felt before. Almost like something warming from the inside outward and I knew that that feeling must be what everyone was talking about when they used the L word, not the hollow thing I had been mistaking it for.
By the time I met D, I had figured out love in the aspect of family, friends, and even religion, but I was utterly lost with men. I kept trying to find that love connection with the guys I was supposed to, but it just wasn't happening. So I tried with the guys I was NOT supposed to and that, too, was not a success. Thankfully, I figured out that I was just a lost child in regards to it and I gave up. That was when the real deal fell at my feet. It wasn't forced, it wasn't awkward, it wasn't formal. It was natural and effortless. It just fit as if it had always been there. I learned what it meant to be loved simply because I was me. I didn't have to be anything or anyone else and I was loved completely. Even more amazingly, I loved him back. As is. I knew I loved him as a human being immediately and it took no time to fall all the way into love with him. Just like music and swimming, it was just right and made me happy and comfortable in my skin.
I knew I wanted to have a baby as soon as we got married. He wanted one immediately as well. So our precious little girl joined our family one year and one month after we got married. I still remember the moment that I learned what it meant to love a child. I was sitting on our couch after feeding M shortly after bringing her home from the hospital. She fell asleep in my arms. She was in a little pink onesie with stripes and care bears on it. I sat there taking her in and I suddenly became overwhelmed with love for her and before I knew it, I was crying. For the first time in my life, I loved someone so much that the only thing I could do was cry. That moment changed me forever. Every time I saw a child, I didn't see a piranha, I saw someone’s baby. In fact, almost every person I saw was someone that I could relate something to that made them lovable. It was all so alien, but I enjoyed it so much.
In the present, I am still learning. It feels like a slippery slope. I have to ask myself if I am capable of actually trusting another person enough to love them. Due to my history of not being the biggest fan of being vulnerable, I am especially cautious when it pertains to loving other people. But that isn't what love is supposed to be about. God doesn't teach us to love the perfect because we would be alone forever. He teaches us to love one another. Period. To look at one another as a brother or sister. As God’s own children (yourself included). Since having my four, I understand a fraction of the intensity of love God feels for each of his children and it is astounding. I am working on learning the difference between trusting another person versus loving them. Trust is an earned privilege and in no way should be given to all while love is an essential piece of happiness for everyone. I don’t trust everyone I love, but I love them nonetheless and I know they love me too. Thankfully, I know that in God, I get the best of both worlds no matter what. And even better, I know he loves me back. I guess my greatest question at the end of all this is if I ever really learned how to love me?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Deep Breath
Breath good air in, breath bad air out. Good air in, bad air out. Feel your heart rate slow, feel yourself calming down. Feel the quiet. Take it in, absorb it. Every releasing breath takes the pain and stress and tension from your body. Feel the relaxation moving its way from your core outward. Okay, okay, I am okay. I’m okay now.
My mom knew what to do with an easily stressed out child and to this day, I hear her voice telling me the steps to take to bring myself down to earth again. And not crash to the surface, but float safely down. I did that last night. Shortly after coming home from going to the movies to watch “Avatar” (incredible movie!) in an effort to calm the meanness down, I went to bed. As I settled into bed I was trying to gather my thoughts after reading all the wonderful posts on my previous blog and what they meant to me. I had received advice, support, new perspective on what others are going through, and words of admiration. I felt unworthy, but overcome with love for each of these beautiful women and amazement at their ability to heal through words of comfort. How blessed am I.
As these thoughts played out, E woke up and called out “Mama, Mama”. My heart ached just hearing her calling out to me and D went and brought her to me with a fresh diaper on. I pulled her tiny frame into my arms and she slipped peacefully back to sleep instantly, knowing she was in her mommy’s safe and loving arms. It was then that my heart swelled with indescribable gratitude. Here I was in this comfortable bed holding this precious gift from God. I could feel how much she loved me and needed my love to make her feel safe. In my mind’s eye, I could see each one of my children in their own individual beauty and love and gratitude poured from my heart outward to God and Jesus Christ. As I expressed this to my father in heaven, flashes of the temple entered my mind. I felt a presence that can only be described as the Holy Ghost. Peace and love and most importantly gratitude. No more self pity. No more meanness.
My mind traveled to these places that are not describable with words and I knew that when I woke up in the morning, I was going to be okay. I just had to remember to breath the good air in and the bad air out. Close my eyes and look at what is in my heart. I know that I will face my challenges again and again, but I have to remember that I am loved and more importantly that I love. Most importantly, I have to be grateful. I have to open my eyes, look around, and realize every single opportunity at being grateful. No matter what happens with D’s work, I will still have these children to love, so I know that we will be okay. I know God is watching over us, trying to reach us through this blanket of rain clouds that have circle above us for so long. I know he loves me. I know he loves these children and has found me worthy of entrusting my husband and I with them. Which means he knows me better than I know myself. Somehow, I have to remember that regardless of all these terrible complaints I have, I am not doing this alone and the only person bringing me down is me. Not God, not the Navy, and not my family. I am my greatest opposition so it is time to put down the gloves. I am going to be human now. I am going to be flawed and unashamed of it.
I am LaNae. I love to sing, read, write, play the cello, and swim. I am strong willed and opinionated. I have a tendency at being controlling and thinking I know more than I do. I am goofy and sarcastic. I have always leaned toward modesty with my body and have always hungered for religion. I have never fit in. I used to get bullied constantly because I was “weird” and I understand that I will never be in the “in” crowd. I am okay with that because I learned how to find good people to be friends with. I struggle with being judgmental of myself and unfortunately others, but I work hard against it every time I catch myself doing it. I am a mother. I have four precious children that have opened my heart in ways I didn't know possible. I am a Latter-day Saint (mormon) and I believe this church to be the true church on this earth. I respect when others feel the same about their own faiths. I am a friend. I try to be the best friend I can be. I am far more fragile than I let on, but I know the necessity of being tough on the outside for protection’s sake. I am a fighter (just ask all the doctors I dealt with on the journey to E’s diagnosis). It is a dream of mine to get a college degree and become a nurse.
I am a daughter of God. He made my spirit and body. He has loved and guided me. He has strengthened me through scary times and enjoyed my happiest times with me. He gave me courage to survive events that could have destroyed me easily. He has protected me from myself and others. He has been incomprehensibly patient and forgiving with me. And right now, he is my teacher. He is doing his best to teach me the things I need to know before my time on this earth has come to its end. This is my moment. My time to experience all these things that will eventually mold me into the person that stands before him. This is who I am. I am LaNae.
My mom knew what to do with an easily stressed out child and to this day, I hear her voice telling me the steps to take to bring myself down to earth again. And not crash to the surface, but float safely down. I did that last night. Shortly after coming home from going to the movies to watch “Avatar” (incredible movie!) in an effort to calm the meanness down, I went to bed. As I settled into bed I was trying to gather my thoughts after reading all the wonderful posts on my previous blog and what they meant to me. I had received advice, support, new perspective on what others are going through, and words of admiration. I felt unworthy, but overcome with love for each of these beautiful women and amazement at their ability to heal through words of comfort. How blessed am I.
As these thoughts played out, E woke up and called out “Mama, Mama”. My heart ached just hearing her calling out to me and D went and brought her to me with a fresh diaper on. I pulled her tiny frame into my arms and she slipped peacefully back to sleep instantly, knowing she was in her mommy’s safe and loving arms. It was then that my heart swelled with indescribable gratitude. Here I was in this comfortable bed holding this precious gift from God. I could feel how much she loved me and needed my love to make her feel safe. In my mind’s eye, I could see each one of my children in their own individual beauty and love and gratitude poured from my heart outward to God and Jesus Christ. As I expressed this to my father in heaven, flashes of the temple entered my mind. I felt a presence that can only be described as the Holy Ghost. Peace and love and most importantly gratitude. No more self pity. No more meanness.
My mind traveled to these places that are not describable with words and I knew that when I woke up in the morning, I was going to be okay. I just had to remember to breath the good air in and the bad air out. Close my eyes and look at what is in my heart. I know that I will face my challenges again and again, but I have to remember that I am loved and more importantly that I love. Most importantly, I have to be grateful. I have to open my eyes, look around, and realize every single opportunity at being grateful. No matter what happens with D’s work, I will still have these children to love, so I know that we will be okay. I know God is watching over us, trying to reach us through this blanket of rain clouds that have circle above us for so long. I know he loves me. I know he loves these children and has found me worthy of entrusting my husband and I with them. Which means he knows me better than I know myself. Somehow, I have to remember that regardless of all these terrible complaints I have, I am not doing this alone and the only person bringing me down is me. Not God, not the Navy, and not my family. I am my greatest opposition so it is time to put down the gloves. I am going to be human now. I am going to be flawed and unashamed of it.
I am LaNae. I love to sing, read, write, play the cello, and swim. I am strong willed and opinionated. I have a tendency at being controlling and thinking I know more than I do. I am goofy and sarcastic. I have always leaned toward modesty with my body and have always hungered for religion. I have never fit in. I used to get bullied constantly because I was “weird” and I understand that I will never be in the “in” crowd. I am okay with that because I learned how to find good people to be friends with. I struggle with being judgmental of myself and unfortunately others, but I work hard against it every time I catch myself doing it. I am a mother. I have four precious children that have opened my heart in ways I didn't know possible. I am a Latter-day Saint (mormon) and I believe this church to be the true church on this earth. I respect when others feel the same about their own faiths. I am a friend. I try to be the best friend I can be. I am far more fragile than I let on, but I know the necessity of being tough on the outside for protection’s sake. I am a fighter (just ask all the doctors I dealt with on the journey to E’s diagnosis). It is a dream of mine to get a college degree and become a nurse.
I am a daughter of God. He made my spirit and body. He has loved and guided me. He has strengthened me through scary times and enjoyed my happiest times with me. He gave me courage to survive events that could have destroyed me easily. He has protected me from myself and others. He has been incomprehensibly patient and forgiving with me. And right now, he is my teacher. He is doing his best to teach me the things I need to know before my time on this earth has come to its end. This is my moment. My time to experience all these things that will eventually mold me into the person that stands before him. This is who I am. I am LaNae.
Friday, November 6, 2009
When It Rains...
it pours. And in my case, it torrnados. Things have been a mess. Let me elaborate...
October 15th:
- While having a meeting with E's Regional Center case worker, I notice she has discharge coming from her right ear. I mention it to D when he gets home. Since she had a nasty cold the week before, we are suspicious she has an ear infection coming on. We decide to call the triage line and they say to just call the next morning for a doctor appointment and not to worry too much.
October 16th:
- Now both of her ears are starting to ooze and I spend from 8:00am- 4:30pm trying to have her seen by ANYONE that will take her and just keep being told there nothing until tomorrow. As soon as D gets home from work and can stay home with the other three kids, I call work and tell them what has been going on and set off to the e.r. with her because the discharge is green and increasing in amount. After wasting six long hours at the e.r., they try telling me it is just a viral infection and send us on our way. I am so mad that I could literally punch someone in the face (preferably the "doctor").
October 17th:
- I have an appointment already set for E, but am out of diapers, wipes, and formula and D has a duty weekend so he is at work. So I am forced to go to Target with all four kids and buy what I needed with my discount. The discharge is now on a constant stream out of both ears and she is spiking a fever and I am dragging this poor baby around town with me. I feel like a monster and D meets me at the hospital right as she is being seen by the doctor. No surprise, she has a double ear infection and they put her on oral and ear drop antibiotics. I hate the e.r. at Balboa. We spend the next two weeks fighting this ear infection off. And just as we think have jumped that hurtle and are doing good...
October 29th:
- It is 10:00pm and I can hear one of the kids breathing really hard. When I inspect, it is G and she is pulling a little hard breathing. I say a prayer that she will be brought to me if something is wrong. Ten minutes later, she is in my room and she is burning up. I give her tylenol and motrin combined to douse the fever down and keep her in my bed to keep an eye on her.
October 30th:
- By 6:00 am, G is so feverish that she is shaking too hard to hold her sippy cup of ice water. I repeat the tylenol/motrin and call medical as fast as possible. By this point, she has a 103 temp, coughing, difficulty breathing, snotty nose, and shaking and chills. They get her in within an hour and a half at a remote clinic and we get over there asap. Once seeing her, they take samples for their rapid flu test and line our whole family up (everyone except D was there) and start administering flu shots, both kinds. So, E and Z each get two shots a piece and M and I get flu mist and one shot each. G isn't vaccinated because she is sick and when the test results come back, they say she has H1N1. Yeah, that's right, H1N1. Because of E's immune problems, there is a decision made to treat her with Tamiflu along with G as a precaution. So, I call D and he heads over to medical to be tested in case there is any sign at all he has it. His is negative and there is no vaccine at the clinic yet, so they tell him "don't catch it". LOL! Seriously? Don't catch it? I had no idea it was so easy! Nerds. Anyway, we head over to the Balboa hospital pharmacy and they expedite us after I get ugly about my feverish three year old. I even had to strip her down right there because of how hot she was getting and it worked. They got those meds in record time! We head home to try dealing with the situation.
October 31st:
- G stays home with D while I take the other three to Trunk or Treat at church. I find someone who can take M trick or treating since I have work and D has to be home with the other three kids. G improves slowly as she takes her Tamiflu.
November 1st:
- D takes M, E, and Z to church while I stay home with G and I get ready for work. After everyone is home, I head off to work for my 5:30-9:15 shift. By 6:30, I get a call at work from D that M has a fever of over 102.7 degrees. I am sent straight home once I tell them what is going on and I take her to the Balboa e.r. as soon as I get home. I had D give her fever reducers, so she is actually doing okay when I get her there. We then sit in the e.r. for over five hours and her fever climbs and climbs until I get angry and they take her back. She has full body chills, is coughing, nauseous, and looks miserable. They run a chest x-ray to rule out anything big and when it comes back clean, they send us home without a single flu test or medicine. I'm am spitting fireballs I am so angry.
November 2nd:
- I get M into a "real" doctor and she gives her Tamiflu. Target calls me and lets me know that they have a special policy on families with H1N1 where I don't have to come to work and they will still pay me for my missed shifts. I cried.
November 4th:
- I get a call that D is in the hospital for reasons I won't get into, but it means I am on my own with the kids... and Z is getting a fever. By 11:00 pm, Z's tempurature is 103* and I am on my own with all four kids and no way to get him to a hospital. My kids are all still very contagious so no one can or should come help me with the kids. So I call a friend that I know is up that late, usually from her hours at Target, and she calms me down and tells me ideas to lower his temp. I get a washcloth and wet it with cool water. I wipe Z down for quite some time while I wait for the Tylenol to take affect again until he is cooled down and calm. By the time I go to bed, it is well past 1:00 am.
November 5th:
- I am up by 6:00 am. I get my whole brood to the doctor for Z to be seen and they have to put us in an isolation room so that we aren't around the waiting room area people. I am really feeling like a lepper at this point. The corpman takes three samples from Z's nose and when the results come back, he has H1N1, RSV, and she finds an ear infection. He is really sick. I fill her in on our situation with the three confirmed flu kids and my husband being in the hospital as well and she asks if I will be able to keep going. I am in survival mode and tell her I am going to be just fine. We go to the pharmacy and I again am able to get the meds expedited and go straight home. One friend takes my money and grocery list and buys all my food for the next two weeks and another friend comes over wearing a face mask and gloves and helps me put my groceries away and get a sanitation station set up outside my front door and inside my house. Again, I feel like I am the island of the leppers. Sucks to be me.
November 6th:
- I am surviving. I have been unable so far to even so much as cry, but I have been laughing. Laughing. So weird. I am so weird. I guess whatever gets you through being on house arrest with four sick children and an absent spouse, is going to have to do. I have to say that I have received some serious love and support during this time and so has D. Even though no one can actually come here to help because of the contagiousness and all, certain people have still been so supportive and helpful and concerned. People are even spending visiting hours with D since I can't. All in all, I am in a super scary and crappy situation surrounded by love and support (from a safe distance of course LOL). I guess all in all "this too shall pass". We just need prayers and faith and we will be okay. mantra- we will be okay, we will be okay, we will be okay... ;)
October 15th:
- While having a meeting with E's Regional Center case worker, I notice she has discharge coming from her right ear. I mention it to D when he gets home. Since she had a nasty cold the week before, we are suspicious she has an ear infection coming on. We decide to call the triage line and they say to just call the next morning for a doctor appointment and not to worry too much.
October 16th:
- Now both of her ears are starting to ooze and I spend from 8:00am- 4:30pm trying to have her seen by ANYONE that will take her and just keep being told there nothing until tomorrow. As soon as D gets home from work and can stay home with the other three kids, I call work and tell them what has been going on and set off to the e.r. with her because the discharge is green and increasing in amount. After wasting six long hours at the e.r., they try telling me it is just a viral infection and send us on our way. I am so mad that I could literally punch someone in the face (preferably the "doctor").
October 17th:
- I have an appointment already set for E, but am out of diapers, wipes, and formula and D has a duty weekend so he is at work. So I am forced to go to Target with all four kids and buy what I needed with my discount. The discharge is now on a constant stream out of both ears and she is spiking a fever and I am dragging this poor baby around town with me. I feel like a monster and D meets me at the hospital right as she is being seen by the doctor. No surprise, she has a double ear infection and they put her on oral and ear drop antibiotics. I hate the e.r. at Balboa. We spend the next two weeks fighting this ear infection off. And just as we think have jumped that hurtle and are doing good...
October 29th:
- It is 10:00pm and I can hear one of the kids breathing really hard. When I inspect, it is G and she is pulling a little hard breathing. I say a prayer that she will be brought to me if something is wrong. Ten minutes later, she is in my room and she is burning up. I give her tylenol and motrin combined to douse the fever down and keep her in my bed to keep an eye on her.
October 30th:
- By 6:00 am, G is so feverish that she is shaking too hard to hold her sippy cup of ice water. I repeat the tylenol/motrin and call medical as fast as possible. By this point, she has a 103 temp, coughing, difficulty breathing, snotty nose, and shaking and chills. They get her in within an hour and a half at a remote clinic and we get over there asap. Once seeing her, they take samples for their rapid flu test and line our whole family up (everyone except D was there) and start administering flu shots, both kinds. So, E and Z each get two shots a piece and M and I get flu mist and one shot each. G isn't vaccinated because she is sick and when the test results come back, they say she has H1N1. Yeah, that's right, H1N1. Because of E's immune problems, there is a decision made to treat her with Tamiflu along with G as a precaution. So, I call D and he heads over to medical to be tested in case there is any sign at all he has it. His is negative and there is no vaccine at the clinic yet, so they tell him "don't catch it". LOL! Seriously? Don't catch it? I had no idea it was so easy! Nerds. Anyway, we head over to the Balboa hospital pharmacy and they expedite us after I get ugly about my feverish three year old. I even had to strip her down right there because of how hot she was getting and it worked. They got those meds in record time! We head home to try dealing with the situation.
October 31st:
- G stays home with D while I take the other three to Trunk or Treat at church. I find someone who can take M trick or treating since I have work and D has to be home with the other three kids. G improves slowly as she takes her Tamiflu.
November 1st:
- D takes M, E, and Z to church while I stay home with G and I get ready for work. After everyone is home, I head off to work for my 5:30-9:15 shift. By 6:30, I get a call at work from D that M has a fever of over 102.7 degrees. I am sent straight home once I tell them what is going on and I take her to the Balboa e.r. as soon as I get home. I had D give her fever reducers, so she is actually doing okay when I get her there. We then sit in the e.r. for over five hours and her fever climbs and climbs until I get angry and they take her back. She has full body chills, is coughing, nauseous, and looks miserable. They run a chest x-ray to rule out anything big and when it comes back clean, they send us home without a single flu test or medicine. I'm am spitting fireballs I am so angry.
November 2nd:
- I get M into a "real" doctor and she gives her Tamiflu. Target calls me and lets me know that they have a special policy on families with H1N1 where I don't have to come to work and they will still pay me for my missed shifts. I cried.
November 4th:
- I get a call that D is in the hospital for reasons I won't get into, but it means I am on my own with the kids... and Z is getting a fever. By 11:00 pm, Z's tempurature is 103* and I am on my own with all four kids and no way to get him to a hospital. My kids are all still very contagious so no one can or should come help me with the kids. So I call a friend that I know is up that late, usually from her hours at Target, and she calms me down and tells me ideas to lower his temp. I get a washcloth and wet it with cool water. I wipe Z down for quite some time while I wait for the Tylenol to take affect again until he is cooled down and calm. By the time I go to bed, it is well past 1:00 am.
November 5th:
- I am up by 6:00 am. I get my whole brood to the doctor for Z to be seen and they have to put us in an isolation room so that we aren't around the waiting room area people. I am really feeling like a lepper at this point. The corpman takes three samples from Z's nose and when the results come back, he has H1N1, RSV, and she finds an ear infection. He is really sick. I fill her in on our situation with the three confirmed flu kids and my husband being in the hospital as well and she asks if I will be able to keep going. I am in survival mode and tell her I am going to be just fine. We go to the pharmacy and I again am able to get the meds expedited and go straight home. One friend takes my money and grocery list and buys all my food for the next two weeks and another friend comes over wearing a face mask and gloves and helps me put my groceries away and get a sanitation station set up outside my front door and inside my house. Again, I feel like I am the island of the leppers. Sucks to be me.
November 6th:
- I am surviving. I have been unable so far to even so much as cry, but I have been laughing. Laughing. So weird. I am so weird. I guess whatever gets you through being on house arrest with four sick children and an absent spouse, is going to have to do. I have to say that I have received some serious love and support during this time and so has D. Even though no one can actually come here to help because of the contagiousness and all, certain people have still been so supportive and helpful and concerned. People are even spending visiting hours with D since I can't. All in all, I am in a super scary and crappy situation surrounded by love and support (from a safe distance of course LOL). I guess all in all "this too shall pass". We just need prayers and faith and we will be okay. mantra- we will be okay, we will be okay, we will be okay... ;)
Friday, October 9, 2009
Birthday Madness
So, I haven't been very active here because I am employed now. I work at Target in the photo lab/guest service desk/cash registers since the first week of September. So far, so good. But this means that when I am not at home taking care of the kids and house and running around to E's appointments, I am at work. D is at work during the day and then comes home to take care of the kids, dinner, and bedtime. So, we are making it work and that is what matters.
In other news, it is the THE BIRTHDAY WEEK. E was on October 5th, mine was yesterday on the 8th, and G's is coming up on the 11th. We went ahead and celebrated E's birthday on her birthday just as a family and had a WONDERFUL time. I made curry shrimp with mango sauce and E inhaled it. Then we had brownies that I decorated with frosting and sprinkles and had her blow out her candles (with help from everyone). Presents came next- musical instruments and a "flinstones" car- and the girls had a blast playing with them together. And to wind down the excitement, we got out blankets and pillows and laid down in the front room to watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas". It was a perfect time together celebrating our E.
Last night was the party for myself and G. We had our friends J and J Baby over (with their mommy). They got to wear their Halloween costumes, make pizzas with me, and have presents for G. She got a bath time mermaid slide/swing and a set of Disney princess barbies, and princess book. I don't think we could have gotten her better gifts with how excited she was to get them. Even this morning, the first thing she and M did was to get out the toys, break open the barbies, and get set up at the kitchen table for some serious playing.
Lastly, our Z is growing like a weed (the CUTEST weed I have ever seen). He is army crawling everywhere, eats like a garbage disposal, and understands so much. As soon as D walks in the door and the girls yell out "Daddy!" and run to him, Z starts speed crawling and crying to get to his daddy as fast as possible. Those two are buddies and Z lights up whenever his daddy comes around. He also wants in on the action that his sisters are up to. Wherever they are, he is crawling to find them and be around them. When they are in the bath, he is on the floor next to the tub (but HATES being in it HA HA). When they are in their rooms playing, he is in there on the floor finding toys to play with too. I can honestly say that he is one of the greatest joys I have ever known and I get to enjoy him every day. I feel so lucky to have him (and his beautiful older sisters).
One final note concerns E. She was seen by what is called a Cranio-Facial Team a couple of weeks ago. After seeing a plastic surgeon, it is confirmed that she has a cleft submucousal palate and bifid uvula and will be having surgery within the next six months to repair it. I have mixed emotions concerning this because on the positive aspect of this, she will finally get to make progress with her speech and eating and will no longer suffer through nasal regurgitation any more. Her sinuses will get a chance to heal up from all the stuff that goes through them daily and she will get to live normally in at least that one area. On the other side of this coin, I am scared to death of putting her through such a serious procedure. This will put her under the knife, will hurt, take time for recovery, and very likely set her back with her eating and speech. The comfort I am pulling is that I was blessed with a vision of what life will be like for her once this is done and how much better she will be. I know this was a gift of comfort and strength given to me by God because after watching the recovery process after her g-tube placement, I am terrified to put her through anything like that again. So, here we are. The referrals are all in the process of being approved over the next week for her to go in for the consult and the MRI's to get ready. Then I will need to get my request in to work for a couple of days off to be with her in the hospital. Something very important is that this has to be done before we exit the military by as early as May 1st of next year. So, please send prayers for E and our family, they can only help. I hope you enjoyed catching up on our family and I send out my love to you!
In other news, it is the THE BIRTHDAY WEEK. E was on October 5th, mine was yesterday on the 8th, and G's is coming up on the 11th. We went ahead and celebrated E's birthday on her birthday just as a family and had a WONDERFUL time. I made curry shrimp with mango sauce and E inhaled it. Then we had brownies that I decorated with frosting and sprinkles and had her blow out her candles (with help from everyone). Presents came next- musical instruments and a "flinstones" car- and the girls had a blast playing with them together. And to wind down the excitement, we got out blankets and pillows and laid down in the front room to watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas". It was a perfect time together celebrating our E.
Last night was the party for myself and G. We had our friends J and J Baby over (with their mommy). They got to wear their Halloween costumes, make pizzas with me, and have presents for G. She got a bath time mermaid slide/swing and a set of Disney princess barbies, and princess book. I don't think we could have gotten her better gifts with how excited she was to get them. Even this morning, the first thing she and M did was to get out the toys, break open the barbies, and get set up at the kitchen table for some serious playing.
Lastly, our Z is growing like a weed (the CUTEST weed I have ever seen). He is army crawling everywhere, eats like a garbage disposal, and understands so much. As soon as D walks in the door and the girls yell out "Daddy!" and run to him, Z starts speed crawling and crying to get to his daddy as fast as possible. Those two are buddies and Z lights up whenever his daddy comes around. He also wants in on the action that his sisters are up to. Wherever they are, he is crawling to find them and be around them. When they are in the bath, he is on the floor next to the tub (but HATES being in it HA HA). When they are in their rooms playing, he is in there on the floor finding toys to play with too. I can honestly say that he is one of the greatest joys I have ever known and I get to enjoy him every day. I feel so lucky to have him (and his beautiful older sisters).
One final note concerns E. She was seen by what is called a Cranio-Facial Team a couple of weeks ago. After seeing a plastic surgeon, it is confirmed that she has a cleft submucousal palate and bifid uvula and will be having surgery within the next six months to repair it. I have mixed emotions concerning this because on the positive aspect of this, she will finally get to make progress with her speech and eating and will no longer suffer through nasal regurgitation any more. Her sinuses will get a chance to heal up from all the stuff that goes through them daily and she will get to live normally in at least that one area. On the other side of this coin, I am scared to death of putting her through such a serious procedure. This will put her under the knife, will hurt, take time for recovery, and very likely set her back with her eating and speech. The comfort I am pulling is that I was blessed with a vision of what life will be like for her once this is done and how much better she will be. I know this was a gift of comfort and strength given to me by God because after watching the recovery process after her g-tube placement, I am terrified to put her through anything like that again. So, here we are. The referrals are all in the process of being approved over the next week for her to go in for the consult and the MRI's to get ready. Then I will need to get my request in to work for a couple of days off to be with her in the hospital. Something very important is that this has to be done before we exit the military by as early as May 1st of next year. So, please send prayers for E and our family, they can only help. I hope you enjoyed catching up on our family and I send out my love to you!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Awesome Alice
I found out today that a roommate of mine from BYU-Idaho passed away 6 1/2 years ago which was only one year after she started college. She was only sick for one year before it took her. Alice was awesome. She was happy and bright. She was athletic and ambitious and extremely intelligent. She loved being naked LOL. I am sorry for not finding out about this sooner, but here are some memories for those of us who knew her to enjoy in photos. Heaven is a better place with her in it.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Evil, Flat, Purple Ball
6/29/2009
7:00 am- Wake up to stupid phone ringing and have to run to front room to answer before the person hangs up. Answer and it is Hubby asking about Elizabeth’s appointments so his work knows when he won’t be there. Feel tired all the way down into bones.
7:05 am- Take away package of hotdogs that Bruiser has gotten out of the fridge and she screams. Try to give her milk and she says no to it, so walk out of kitchen annoyed as she screams some more. Sit down at computer to do usual check of email, Facebook, and Blogger. Find it note-worthy to mention that Billy Mays and Ed McMahon have died also. Am freaked out about celebrities dropping like flies.
7:08 am- Give Bruiser a hug and she calms down. Now to go get Baby Girl out of crib and love on her. Then will need to start changing diapers and get day going. Am extremely glad that we cleaned up the house yesterday before babysitting starts back up today.
7:23 am- Diapers changed on all three… check. Now to go look at my check list and start moving down it in an effort to get things done before other two kids arrive.
7:45 am- Drag self off of couch after listening to Bruiser and Baby Girl play together in kitchen and cuddling with Boo Bear. See that Baby Boy has FINALLY learned to roll onto his back from his tummy and am relieved that this might mean he won’t roll onto his stomach and lay there screaming anymore. Decide to go make breakfast.
7:50 am- Have decided that it is best to give up on wearing anything but pajama pants today and just pull hair back to get out of way. Listen to “Phineas and Ferb” on t.v.
7:53 am- Stop Baby Girl from poking Baby Boy’s eyes out. Special.
8:02 am- While cooking up turkey bacon, find Baby Girl eating and drawing with chalk on kitchen floor. Awesome. Take away chalk and she cries because of the injustice.
8:07 am- Give Baby Girl her Claritin and Nasanex and feel bad for her because it HAS to taste terrible and feel icky to get the spray and drink the medicine.
8:15 am- Don’t you hate it when you go to do the dishes and the running water makes you need to pee?
8:16 am- Don’t you hate it when you REALLY have to pee and when you rush into the bathroom you realize there is no more toilet paper? So you have to run to get a new roll before you get to go? Yeah, me too.
9:00 am- Breakfast served and cups and bottles distributed to everyone. Don’t you hate it when you actually make a nice breakfast like bacon and scrambled eggs and your kids aren’t very grateful or interested in it? Yeah, me too. Makes me a strong believer in plain ol’ cold cereal with yogurt or fresh fruit. Baby Boy is getting peeved that I haven’t sat down to feed him his breakfast yet. Gotta love that super yummy formula that smells like something no one should EVER consume.
9:05 am- Stare into Baby Boy’s huge denim blue eyes and feel so much love… and then he farts on me.
9:10 am- Am finished feeding (and being farted on by) Baby Boy and get last of dishes loaded into dishwasher and turn on. Clean up counters and put uneaten bacon aside to make bacon bits for later.
9:35 am- Have finished in kitchen and notice that Boo Bear is pushing Bruiser around in a toy stroller and decide to not participate in a battle over it. Have decided that the game will end when a) the stroller breaks or b) they find something else to play and abandon stroller abuse game. Baby Boy starts screaming again to tell me he is NOT full.
9:40 am- Have a fresh bottle made up and am stuck on couch feeding Baby Boy. Decide to watch Tory & Dean reality show until he is full and looking for his binki (pacifier). Go retrieve binki and put him in swing and listen to horrible sound of music while batteries die a slow and painful death.
10:50 am- Am finally free of sitting around on couch now that Baby Boy is awake. Did, however, enjoy being able to sit and watch a show (even if it is Tory & Dean). Realize that if Tory Spelling can talk about wiping poop out of her daughter’s hoo-haa in a book and people actually buy it, that there are limitless possibilities for people to write about dumb things and make money for it.
11:09 am- Boo Bear comes up to me to inform me that she is a dog now and I say “ok” and she happily runs off making happy dog sounds. Yesterday she was a robot and in true robot style only said “robot” to everything I said to or asked her. I think robot is my favorite so far, but I did like these also: unicorn, Tinkerbell, cat, and mermaid. Wonder what she will come up with next???
11:12 am- Put an almost flat, purple ball in time out because it is making the kids hostile to play with it. Figured out long ago that it is waaay easier to put toys in time out than kids.
11:30 am- Oh crap, I have two more diapers Baby Boy’s size left… guess he will be wearing a size bigger until Hubby gets home. My bad.
11:35 am- Fresh diapers, clean daytime clothes, and brushed hair and teeth… check!
11:45 am- Daddy V arrives to drop off Scrapper and Baby V and he reminds me it will be MY turn to go to the gym and I am STOKED! Yay hoo! I can finally start running again!
11:55 am- Preheat oven to make chicken nuggets and French fries. Catch Baby Girl stealing flat, purple ball from Baby V (evil ball) and give it back to him. Take grumpy Baby Girl to her bed for a nap and she is NOT happy with me.
12:06 pm- Go and start putting away dishes in the dishwasher.
12:09 pm- Scrapper in timeout for pushing Bruiser during a fight over evil flat, purple ball. Hide evil ball somewhere it won’t go all “Lord of the Rings” on the kids anymore. Put food in oven and continue drying and putting away dishes.
12:15 pm- Hear Baby V start screaming while helping the two year olds pick a bucket of toys to play with. Locate screaming Baby V stuck under computer desk and rescue him. Give him a toy truck and all is forgiven.
12:45 pm- Feed the thee oldest girls, Baby Girl is in bed asleep, and sit down to comfort both the baby boys on the floor. See that Baby V is getting to be able to stand unsupported and am so proud of him!
1:00 pm- Have gotten Baby Boy fed and down for a nap and put Bruiser down for a nap she will likely refuse to take. Plan on letting her have a couple of hours of quiet time anyway. Less two year old throw-downs to deal with that way. Think it is time now to change Scrapper and Baby V’s diapers before going ahead and getting on with dishes that I STILL haven’t finished putting away. Sigh…
2:19 pm- Wow. I don’t know how else to describe the controlled chaos of the day so far. Baby V and Scrapper are now down for naps and I have surrendered to Bruiser’s hysterics yet again and she has been freed. Baby Boy is up and annoyed that I am not holding him (not that unusual) but I am hopeful now that he is in his bumbo that he might be happy.
2:26 pm- While on the phone with Hubby, who is now off work and on the way home, Boo Bear runs over to me crying and I automatically assume she and Bruiser have had an altercation. Wrong. She is tattling on a toy puzzle. Yeah, you heard me right, a toy puzzle. Have I created a tattle-telling monster??? Yes, yes I have.
2:39 pm- Have been going to check on Scrapper in five minute intervals as she doesn’t feel like napping today and thinks it is a great time to play with all the toys in Boo Bear’s room. Can’t blame her since there is A LOT of stuff to play with, but still have to be consistent and get her back in bed. Who needs a gym when you watch six kids under the age of five?
3:00 pm- Let the Evening Madness commence! Baby V is screaming for baby food, Baby Boy is screaming because he is tired and won’t sleep, Boo Bear and Bruiser start to fight over the toy stroller, and Baby Girl just wanders around trying to poke the babies in the eyes. Ahhh!!!
3:40 pm- Hubby home, Baby V fed and happy, Baby Boy passed out in his chair, and my three girls are playing or in timeout depending on the moment. Time to get on with the laundry section of the day… only 8 hours behind schedule!
4:00 pm- Sit on floor and fold laundry while we sing Patty Cake Patty Cake, Wheels on the Bus, Ittsy Bittsy Spider, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Baby V sits and smiles and claps for every song and is super happy!
4:30 pm- Snacks for all the awake kids… check. One of two loads of laundry folded or on hangers… check. Hubby has damaged himself again… big check! Now to get first load of laundry put away and dinner started up… Chicken Baked Steak with Homemade Mashed Potatoes. Woo Hoo!
9:20 pm- Have survived making dinner, serving dinner, bathing kids, changing sheets on all the beds, getting kids in pajamas and in bed, and getting laundry folded, hung, and put away. Am EXHAUSTED and feel a long night of sleep is a well deserved super duper idea! Goodnight to all!
7:00 am- Wake up to stupid phone ringing and have to run to front room to answer before the person hangs up. Answer and it is Hubby asking about Elizabeth’s appointments so his work knows when he won’t be there. Feel tired all the way down into bones.
7:05 am- Take away package of hotdogs that Bruiser has gotten out of the fridge and she screams. Try to give her milk and she says no to it, so walk out of kitchen annoyed as she screams some more. Sit down at computer to do usual check of email, Facebook, and Blogger. Find it note-worthy to mention that Billy Mays and Ed McMahon have died also. Am freaked out about celebrities dropping like flies.
7:08 am- Give Bruiser a hug and she calms down. Now to go get Baby Girl out of crib and love on her. Then will need to start changing diapers and get day going. Am extremely glad that we cleaned up the house yesterday before babysitting starts back up today.
7:23 am- Diapers changed on all three… check. Now to go look at my check list and start moving down it in an effort to get things done before other two kids arrive.
7:45 am- Drag self off of couch after listening to Bruiser and Baby Girl play together in kitchen and cuddling with Boo Bear. See that Baby Boy has FINALLY learned to roll onto his back from his tummy and am relieved that this might mean he won’t roll onto his stomach and lay there screaming anymore. Decide to go make breakfast.
7:50 am- Have decided that it is best to give up on wearing anything but pajama pants today and just pull hair back to get out of way. Listen to “Phineas and Ferb” on t.v.
7:53 am- Stop Baby Girl from poking Baby Boy’s eyes out. Special.
8:02 am- While cooking up turkey bacon, find Baby Girl eating and drawing with chalk on kitchen floor. Awesome. Take away chalk and she cries because of the injustice.
8:07 am- Give Baby Girl her Claritin and Nasanex and feel bad for her because it HAS to taste terrible and feel icky to get the spray and drink the medicine.
8:15 am- Don’t you hate it when you go to do the dishes and the running water makes you need to pee?
8:16 am- Don’t you hate it when you REALLY have to pee and when you rush into the bathroom you realize there is no more toilet paper? So you have to run to get a new roll before you get to go? Yeah, me too.
9:00 am- Breakfast served and cups and bottles distributed to everyone. Don’t you hate it when you actually make a nice breakfast like bacon and scrambled eggs and your kids aren’t very grateful or interested in it? Yeah, me too. Makes me a strong believer in plain ol’ cold cereal with yogurt or fresh fruit. Baby Boy is getting peeved that I haven’t sat down to feed him his breakfast yet. Gotta love that super yummy formula that smells like something no one should EVER consume.
9:05 am- Stare into Baby Boy’s huge denim blue eyes and feel so much love… and then he farts on me.
9:10 am- Am finished feeding (and being farted on by) Baby Boy and get last of dishes loaded into dishwasher and turn on. Clean up counters and put uneaten bacon aside to make bacon bits for later.
9:35 am- Have finished in kitchen and notice that Boo Bear is pushing Bruiser around in a toy stroller and decide to not participate in a battle over it. Have decided that the game will end when a) the stroller breaks or b) they find something else to play and abandon stroller abuse game. Baby Boy starts screaming again to tell me he is NOT full.
9:40 am- Have a fresh bottle made up and am stuck on couch feeding Baby Boy. Decide to watch Tory & Dean reality show until he is full and looking for his binki (pacifier). Go retrieve binki and put him in swing and listen to horrible sound of music while batteries die a slow and painful death.
10:50 am- Am finally free of sitting around on couch now that Baby Boy is awake. Did, however, enjoy being able to sit and watch a show (even if it is Tory & Dean). Realize that if Tory Spelling can talk about wiping poop out of her daughter’s hoo-haa in a book and people actually buy it, that there are limitless possibilities for people to write about dumb things and make money for it.
11:09 am- Boo Bear comes up to me to inform me that she is a dog now and I say “ok” and she happily runs off making happy dog sounds. Yesterday she was a robot and in true robot style only said “robot” to everything I said to or asked her. I think robot is my favorite so far, but I did like these also: unicorn, Tinkerbell, cat, and mermaid. Wonder what she will come up with next???
11:12 am- Put an almost flat, purple ball in time out because it is making the kids hostile to play with it. Figured out long ago that it is waaay easier to put toys in time out than kids.
11:30 am- Oh crap, I have two more diapers Baby Boy’s size left… guess he will be wearing a size bigger until Hubby gets home. My bad.
11:35 am- Fresh diapers, clean daytime clothes, and brushed hair and teeth… check!
11:45 am- Daddy V arrives to drop off Scrapper and Baby V and he reminds me it will be MY turn to go to the gym and I am STOKED! Yay hoo! I can finally start running again!
11:55 am- Preheat oven to make chicken nuggets and French fries. Catch Baby Girl stealing flat, purple ball from Baby V (evil ball) and give it back to him. Take grumpy Baby Girl to her bed for a nap and she is NOT happy with me.
12:06 pm- Go and start putting away dishes in the dishwasher.
12:09 pm- Scrapper in timeout for pushing Bruiser during a fight over evil flat, purple ball. Hide evil ball somewhere it won’t go all “Lord of the Rings” on the kids anymore. Put food in oven and continue drying and putting away dishes.
12:15 pm- Hear Baby V start screaming while helping the two year olds pick a bucket of toys to play with. Locate screaming Baby V stuck under computer desk and rescue him. Give him a toy truck and all is forgiven.
12:45 pm- Feed the thee oldest girls, Baby Girl is in bed asleep, and sit down to comfort both the baby boys on the floor. See that Baby V is getting to be able to stand unsupported and am so proud of him!
1:00 pm- Have gotten Baby Boy fed and down for a nap and put Bruiser down for a nap she will likely refuse to take. Plan on letting her have a couple of hours of quiet time anyway. Less two year old throw-downs to deal with that way. Think it is time now to change Scrapper and Baby V’s diapers before going ahead and getting on with dishes that I STILL haven’t finished putting away. Sigh…
2:19 pm- Wow. I don’t know how else to describe the controlled chaos of the day so far. Baby V and Scrapper are now down for naps and I have surrendered to Bruiser’s hysterics yet again and she has been freed. Baby Boy is up and annoyed that I am not holding him (not that unusual) but I am hopeful now that he is in his bumbo that he might be happy.
2:26 pm- While on the phone with Hubby, who is now off work and on the way home, Boo Bear runs over to me crying and I automatically assume she and Bruiser have had an altercation. Wrong. She is tattling on a toy puzzle. Yeah, you heard me right, a toy puzzle. Have I created a tattle-telling monster??? Yes, yes I have.
2:39 pm- Have been going to check on Scrapper in five minute intervals as she doesn’t feel like napping today and thinks it is a great time to play with all the toys in Boo Bear’s room. Can’t blame her since there is A LOT of stuff to play with, but still have to be consistent and get her back in bed. Who needs a gym when you watch six kids under the age of five?
3:00 pm- Let the Evening Madness commence! Baby V is screaming for baby food, Baby Boy is screaming because he is tired and won’t sleep, Boo Bear and Bruiser start to fight over the toy stroller, and Baby Girl just wanders around trying to poke the babies in the eyes. Ahhh!!!
3:40 pm- Hubby home, Baby V fed and happy, Baby Boy passed out in his chair, and my three girls are playing or in timeout depending on the moment. Time to get on with the laundry section of the day… only 8 hours behind schedule!
4:00 pm- Sit on floor and fold laundry while we sing Patty Cake Patty Cake, Wheels on the Bus, Ittsy Bittsy Spider, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Baby V sits and smiles and claps for every song and is super happy!
4:30 pm- Snacks for all the awake kids… check. One of two loads of laundry folded or on hangers… check. Hubby has damaged himself again… big check! Now to get first load of laundry put away and dinner started up… Chicken Baked Steak with Homemade Mashed Potatoes. Woo Hoo!
9:20 pm- Have survived making dinner, serving dinner, bathing kids, changing sheets on all the beds, getting kids in pajamas and in bed, and getting laundry folded, hung, and put away. Am EXHAUSTED and feel a long night of sleep is a well deserved super duper idea! Goodnight to all!
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