Deep Breath

Breath good air in, breath bad air out. Good air in, bad air out. Feel your heart rate slow, feel yourself calming down. Feel the quiet. Take it in, absorb it. Every releasing breath takes the pain and stress and tension from your body. Feel the relaxation moving its way from your core outward. Okay, okay, I am okay. I’m okay now.


My mom knew what to do with an easily stressed out child and to this day, I hear her voice telling me the steps to take to bring myself down to earth again. And not crash to the surface, but float safely down. I did that last night. Shortly after coming home from going to the movies to watch “Avatar” (incredible movie!) in an effort to calm the meanness down, I went to bed. As I settled into bed I was trying to gather my thoughts after reading all the wonderful posts on my previous blog and what they meant to me. I had received advice, support, new perspective on what others are going through, and words of admiration. I felt unworthy, but overcome with love for each of these beautiful women and amazement at their ability to heal through words of comfort. How blessed am I.

As these thoughts played out, E woke up and called out “Mama, Mama”. My heart ached just hearing her calling out to me and D went and brought her to me with a fresh diaper on. I pulled her tiny frame into my arms and she slipped peacefully back to sleep instantly, knowing she was in her mommy’s safe and loving arms. It was then that my heart swelled with indescribable gratitude. Here I was in this comfortable bed holding this precious gift from God. I could feel how much she loved me and needed my love to make her feel safe. In my mind’s eye, I could see each one of my children in their own individual beauty and love and gratitude poured from my heart outward to God and Jesus Christ. As I expressed this to my father in heaven, flashes of the temple entered my mind. I felt a presence that can only be described as the Holy Ghost. Peace and love and most importantly gratitude. No more self pity. No more meanness.

My mind traveled to these places that are not describable with words and I knew that when I woke up in the morning, I was going to be okay. I just had to remember to breath the good air in and the bad air out. Close my eyes and look at what is in my heart. I know that I will face my challenges again and again, but I have to remember that I am loved and more importantly that I love. Most importantly, I have to be grateful. I have to open my eyes, look around, and realize every single opportunity at being grateful. No matter what happens with D’s work, I will still have these children to love, so I know that we will be okay. I know God is watching over us, trying to reach us through this blanket of rain clouds that have circle above us for so long. I know he loves me. I know he loves these children and has found me worthy of entrusting my husband and I with them. Which means he knows me better than I know myself. Somehow, I have to remember that regardless of all these terrible complaints I have, I am not doing this alone and the only person bringing me down is me. Not God, not the Navy, and not my family. I am my greatest opposition so it is time to put down the gloves. I am going to be human now. I am going to be flawed and unashamed of it.

I am LaNae. I love to sing, read, write, play the cello, and swim.  I am strong willed and opinionated. I have a tendency at being controlling and thinking I know more than I do. I am goofy and sarcastic. I have always leaned toward modesty with my body and have always hungered for religion. I have never fit in. I used to get bullied constantly because I was “weird” and I understand that I will never be in the “in” crowd. I am okay with that because I learned how to find good people to be friends with. I struggle with being judgmental of myself and unfortunately others, but I work hard against it every time I catch myself doing it. I am a mother. I have four precious children that have opened my heart in ways I didn't know possible. I am a Latter-day Saint (mormon) and I believe this church to be the true church on this earth. I respect when others feel the same about their own faiths. I am a friend. I try to be the best friend I can be. I am far more fragile than I let on, but I know the necessity of being tough on the outside for protection’s sake. I am a fighter (just ask all the doctors I dealt with on the journey to E’s diagnosis).  It is a dream of mine to get a college degree and become a nurse.

I am a daughter of God. He made my spirit and body. He has loved and guided me. He has strengthened me through scary times and enjoyed my happiest times with me. He gave me courage to survive events that could have destroyed me easily. He has protected me from myself and others. He has been incomprehensibly patient and forgiving with me.  And right now, he is my teacher. He is doing his best to teach me the things I need to know before my time on this earth has come to its end. This is my moment. My time to experience all these things that will eventually mold me into the person that stands before him. This is who I am. I am LaNae.