Progress Report

 
As of yesterday, I have completed a full month of triathlon training and I wanted to share my progress for any of you following my journey.  I can now swim a full 800 meters straight in 19 minutes and 43 seconds.  I looked up what I need to work toward and I will need to shave about 4 minutes from my time, but I am just happy to say I can swim 800 meters straight without stopping at the 1 month mark.  That is a great place to be at one month.  On the bike the longest and farthest I have biked is 48 minutes for a distance of 9.41 miles.  My goal is 13 miles so I am getting really close.  As for running, I am weakest.  I have gotten up to comfortably jogging for 5 minutes straight.  To anyone reading that thinking that 5 minutes is nothing, I triple dog dare ya to give it a try and see how you do lol.  My farthest distance during my interval couch to 5k training is 2.14 miles and that took 24 minutes.  My goal is 3.11 miles so I am getting there a little at a time.  I also do weight training on my run days and I can tell you that I am super sore, but I know it is making me stronger and healthier.
  This coming month's training will result in my continuing to increase my swim time, biking 58 minutes straight, and jogging 29 minutes straight.  In July I will be participating in some exciting 5k's.  I have lost 5.2 pounds, gained some great muscle, and am feeling better everyday.  Wish me luck!

Traumatized Pants and Other Lessons

  

  This is my section of what I have learned so far in the three weeks I have been training for a Sprint Triathlon.  Some of it is practical and some of it is the extra special and admittedly humorous experiences and lessons I have learned thus far.  Please enjoy and feel free to comment as I would love to hear from you :D . 

Swimming:

What I needed before getting in the pool was

• A good racer back style suit (or two)
• A good set of googles
• A swim cap that is made for people with a lot of hair
• The lap swim schedule at my local pool
• A swimming pass

What I have learned since starting my swims is

• I still love the way a good swim feels
• I am still very strong in the water
• Googles fog up and that is totally annoying.  I have researched and I am going to try the baby shampoo in the goggles idea and see if that helps at all.
• Pack a swim bag consisting of the following items:  your swimsuit/s, swim cap, goggles, towel, chlorine removing shampoo, normal shampoo, conditioner, a brush, hair ties, clean clothes, some makeup, and some perfume to help with the chlorine smell if it bothers you.

• If you forget your towel, you have fun times becoming super creative with the wall dryers and go through mild hypothermia before convincing your clothes to pull on over still damp skin.
• If you forget your brush you get to leave the locker room looking like you got in a fight with a water monster and lost.  Uncute look, people.

Where I am on my goal for the triathlon in the pool

• A sprint triathlon requires an 800 meter freestyle swim.
• As of my swim yesterday I did a 600 meter freestyle swim in 14 minutes and 20 seconds and I was able to full-out sprint the final 100 meters.  
• It felt AWESOME and I will continue to build up to 800 meters and then work on my speed.

Biking:

What I needed before getting on the seat of my bike was

• A bike and helmet (I must admit that I am riding a styling Hello Kitty bike that is hard to miss hahaha)  Once I have the money saved up, I will go more fancy with the bike, but I have this one and this one is what I am gonna use with pride.

• A tire pump and fix-a-flat for when my tire gets victimized by the roads
• Sunscreen (I learned this the hard way with an exciting sunburn)
• An mp3 with good tunes and headphones that allow one headphone to be on and one to be off to hear cars around you
• Sunglasses so you are not blinded by the desert sun

• A route that you will ride each day until you can do the full distance.

What I have learned since starting my bike rides is

• People do not see you unless you are IMPOSSIBLE to miss.  I wear bright pink and bright white and I still have a near death experience almost every single time I bike.
• Crosswalks at major intersections are terrifying.  Always bike during daylight hours and always walk your bike across intersections so that when a car full of teenagers doesn't see you crossing, you have enough time to not be hit by their car (personal experience, I am not hating on teenagers lol).
• Dogs like to chase down a person on a bike and bite them.  Luckily I have only had one vicious little lap dweller break free of its owner and chase me down to bite my pants leg before trotting off proud of itself.  Interestingly enough, the passersby in cars were more enraged about it than I was and they handled the dog owner while I continued on my way with a pant leg put in its place.

My traumatized pants.

• Wind is sent straight from Hades to punish all bike riders who dare to pedal the great outdoors.  I am in Nevada and wind is not a gentle breeze here.  It is the grumpy cousin of the tornado that took Dorothy to Oz and when you turn a corner on your bike and suddenly have 50 mph winds pushing against you, you just might audibly hear your leg muscles cry while you push through it, which I have done and feel I deserve a medal for.  Just sayin.

Where I am on my goal for the triathlon on the bike

• A sprint triathlon requires a 14 mile bike ride.
• As of yesterday (and three weeks of training) I did a 48 minute ride and made it 9.41miles.
• I am only 4.59 miles away from biking the full 14 miles and after my pure determination to keep pushing even in the face of 50 mph hell winds or cars almost sending me to my Father in heaven or my pants being emotionally traumatize by ankle biting dogs, I am super extra proud to be able to say that.

Running:

What I needed before hitting the pavement was

• A training plan that would gently ease my body into running more and more while not causing injuries or extreme fatigue.  I chose the Couch to 5K and love it.
• A running route that will eventually get me to my full distance.
• A goal 5K to run in (I chose the Superheroes and Villains 5K in Reno on July 13th).
• To go to an athletics store that specializes in fitting people with shoes.  I went to the Reno Running Company http://www.renorunningcompany.com/ at the Summit mall in Reno.  They had me run on a treadmill fitted with a camera that allowed them to view my pronation on both feet and then brought me different shoes until I found the best fit for me.  After about $100 I had a fantastic pair of running shoes fitted for my body's running.

• Shades and sunscreen (And don't forget an awesome shades-wearing-bunny-ears pic courtesy of L!)

• Water bottle
• My mp3 player and A LOT of great music on it.  Right now my top tunes are: 
• "Made for You" and "Counting Stars" by One Republic,
• "Can You Feel My Heart" by Bring Me the Horizon, 
• "Going Nowhere" by Little Mix, 
• "Sweater Weather" and "How" by The Neighbourhood, and 
• "This Little Girl" by Cady Groves.

What I have learned since getting out on the sidewalks of my town is

• Nevada air is DRY and HOT.  Always always always hydrate before your run and then bring a small water bottle with you with just enough water to wet your throat (a full water bottle can get very heavy on a run).  By the time I hit my halfway mark in my workouts, my throat is sticking to itself and I have to take tiny sips of water to breath.
• Even though a pedestrian ALWAYS has the right of way, especially when using a crosswalk, I have had to literally stop in the middle of a crosswalk and watch a car drive by while able to make eye contact with the driver of the car... multiple times.  Be aware of everything as you cross any street because no matter how brightly dressed or legally you behave with crossing, people just don't pay attention.
• L is as amazing at running a 5K as I am in a pool.  I told him about the Superheroes and Villains 5K and he wanted to join in on the fun.  He wanted to "check his endurance" for a 5K and about 40 minutes after jogging off came back looking invigorated and not at all like someone who just ran a 5K straight after a year of not running AT ALL.  To say I was perturbed is an understatement because jogging three minutes straight makes me have a near-death experience.  But if I am honest, I LOVE having a partner in life that is eager and capable of sharing these experiences with me.

Where I am on my goal for the triathlon on running

• A sprint triathlon requires a 5K run (which is a 3.11 mile run)
• The triathlon training program has you slowly add minutes each run and the C25K has you do intervals that includes a 5 minute warm up in it.  I made some modifications to accommodate both to build up my running by doing a 5 minute warm up and then the intervals of the week for the amount of minutes of the triathlon training.  
• Example:  On the Couch to 5K Week 3 Day 3 I did today, I was to do a 5 minute warm up followed by two repetitions of jogging 90 seconds, walking 90 seconds, jogging 3 minutes, walking 3 minutes.  That is a total of 23 minutes.  The triathlon week 3 day 3 had me doing a 24 minute jog.  I never allow my warm up or cool down times to be counted as part of my timed runs so I just did 24 minutes of the interval repetitions (12 one direction, 12 back) AFTER my 5 minute warm up.  I always do a 5 minute cool down when I am done.
• As of today, on the 90 second, 3 minute intervals, I went 2.14 miles.  Considering that on week 1 day 1 I made it 0.9 miles, I am very happy to have made it this far.  Running  is my weakest event and I can feel every single step I take and the effort it requires of me.
• Next week I start Week 4 Day 1.  The intervals will be jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, jog 5 minutes, walk 3.5 minutes for 14 minutes.  Week four in the triathlon training program is a low impact week that allows for your body to relax and prepare for the intensity increase of month two.

Lastly I want to invite you all to comment and let me know if you have experiences like mine or ones I have not had yet.  I would love to hear your stories and take your advice as I take this intense journey.  Until next time...

Water and Bicycles and Pavement OH MY!

 In my previous blog I discussed the food side of my goal to get in shape before buying my wedding gown for my Summer 2014 wedding to L.  Now I want to discuss the exercise portion of my plan.  I have always been a swimmer.  My mom put me in baby swim lessons at only months old and since that time I was in swim lessons and swim teams until I was a junior in high school and got sick of the water politics.  When bullying in the pool was an acceptable form of showing your swimming "abilities", I knew I was just not cut out to be a part of it any longer.  But my love of the pool and swimming in it never died and when coming up with a fitness goal I decided that swimming needed to be a big part of it.  I thought about how much I have always wanted to work up to running a 5k and realized that a triathlon would be a perfect fit.
  I started researching triathlons for beginners and found this site: http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/cms/article-detail.asp?articleid=36 and knew I was on the right track.  After reading up on triathlons and different levels, I knew I wanted to start with a Sprint Triathlon in which you swim 800 meters, bike 14 miles, and run a 5K.  The site even provides a free basic plan of training and I set up my own calendar to get started.  There are three swimming, three jogging, and three biking workouts a week and they highly recommend weight training for muscle strength as well.  I looked at the local pool's lap swim times and made a schedule around that.  Then I got a very affordable gym memebership here in town that provides child care as part of the monthly cost for my weight training and running days.
  Something I had to think about is that although swimming comes natural and I can pick up where I left off in a pool, I am not an avid bicycler or runner and I needed a plan.  I chose to do the Couch to 5K (here is the website for C25K: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml ) as my running training and decided on only outdoors running because I get injuries when I use a treadmill and I am under trained when I try to run outside after using a treadmill.   Next I needed to know the routes I would be taking to reach my distance goals for my runs and bike rides.  I decided to utilize the free and awesome site SparkPeople.  I already have a loving history with this free resource so I went back to track my routes.  After creating a free account, you click on "Track My Workout" and scroll down to the "Map Your Route" option.  Once there you can simply type in your starting address and click on the map to build a route (they even have a "And Back" box you can click if you do a halfway and turn around workout like me to save clicking double on the map).  Put in your minutes and weight, click the "Calculate" button and then the "Add to Fitness Tracker" and you just logged your run or bike route FOR FREE with almost exact mileage.  I call that a win.  The link to SparkPeople is here: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/start-now.asp#wheel and they do provide food tracking and tons of other goodies if you have time to cruise around.
  Now to scare you all just a little with what my week looks like for training...

1. Monday:  My awesome teenage next-door neighbor comes over to babysit my litter of children and I head off for my bike ride.  The time I am to bike is based off of what week and day of training I am on.  This last Monday was the start of week three and I did a 29 minute ride in which I went 14 1/2 minutes one way then turned around and finished my time up getting back to my starting point.  As soon as my ride is over and I am back home, I then grab my swim bag and head to the pool for my swim training of building up to a 800 meter freestyle.
2. Tuesday:  I load up my litter and head to the gym.  We go over the happy and unhappy possibilities of how they behave in the child care area while Mommy works out.  They all agree that happy is much better than unhappy.  I check into the gym, drop off the kids to the nervous-looking child care lady and leave her my number.  I head off on my run outside and do the interval training of whatever day I am on in the C25K plan.  This last Tuesday was to jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, jog 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes for 14 minutes.  I come back from my jog and do my upper body weight training from 15-30 minutes, I pick up the kids, and we go to a park where they can run wild and use up energy.
3. Wednesday:  Repeat Monday except with an increase in the biking time.
4. Thursday:  Repeat Tuesday except with an increase in the running time and I do a lower body weight training.
5. Friday:  Repeats Monday and Wednesday with yet another increase in the minutes and is the day in which pushes your boundaries.  The times are higher than ever and you have to push yourself that much harder.
6. Saturday:  Repeats Tuesday and Thursday with the minutes at the highest so far and is very challenging.  I do a full-body weight training at the gym.
7. Sunday: R.E.S.T.  Absolutely NO working out.  It is a day of rest and everything I have learned supports that your body requires time off to function at its best.  So R&R with my litter and L is what I focus on.

Now that sounds as intense as it feels to be honest.  But I want to show you what just three weeks has accomplished:
My before pic of me right after taking my CNA state boards.  You can see how chubby my face has gotten and that I fill out my scrubs a little too much.

My current pic of where I am as of today after three weeks of training and watching what I eat to the best of my ability and losing 3.7 pounds.  I am not as worried about weight because I am building muscle while I lose fat and muscle weighs more.

"Just Eat Healthy" They Said...

  As I posted in my "Make A Wish" blog, I am engaged!  Upon that happening I had the realization that I will have a wedding dress to put on in a year... and I want to be in a body I am happy with when I do that.  I just finished up a semester in college that was full-time and due to staying up as late as it took to study and getting up as early as I needed to for my kids to get to school, I picked up a nasty Coke drinking habit.  Combine that with sitting on my bottom at my computer or in a classroom for four months straight and I kinda gained a nasty thirteen pounds.  Not good.  My first step was to wean off all caffeine.  After that ugliness, I stopped drinking everything that was not water or a G2 Gatorade to at least taste a little sweetness in my fluids.  A G2 Gatorade only contains 75 calories, 0 grams of fat, 17.5 grams of carbs and those carbs are the sugar in 32 ounces.  Unfortunately they pull that crap of adding sodium to get you MORE thirsty instead of less and you do get 400 mg of sodium in that 32 ounces.  So I have limited myself to only one of those guys per day as a post workout drink (I consider it a reward because I have always hated drinking water lol).
  The next step was to start monitoring my food intake and try to get that under control.  It was HARD.  I did weight watchers and I felt like I was starving to death!  So I did my Nae-the-math-nerd thing and found that I was only being allotted 1252 calories a day to eat.  For a girl my height and activity level, I was used to about 1750 a day.  So I did my research and found that, yes in fact, for a girl my height and activity level, I had to consume 1252 calories a day to lose one pound a week (if you want to know your calorie info, I used this site: http://www.calculator.net/calorie-calculator.html?ctype=standard&cage=30&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=7&cpound=156&cheightmeter=180&ckg=60&cactivity=1.2&x=56&y=10 ).  No fun, but knowledge is important in motivating me to accept and live with certain less-then-fun lifestyle changes.  Now, for most people, dropping their calories to 1252 can be done with replacing "bad" foods with "good" foods.  Out with the processed junk and in with the fresh and healthy.  Not so easy for me.
  Since turning 19, I started getting allergies to foods that grow from the ground on trees or vines or as roots and so on and so forth.  It started with an avocado making me itch after eating it and over the last eleven years has progressed to every fruit or vegetable I eat making my face and neck go numb and any canker sores in my mouth swelling up from contact with the foods.  I once tried the "Flat Belly Diet" and by one week in from eating fruits, veggies, and raw nuts, had insides that felt like I was swallowing fists full of razor blades.  I went to the doctor and they ran a scan that showed my intestinal tract all inflamed.  A blood panel confirmed that I am allergic to the pollen molecules in the foods and that it comes from my hay fever as a child.  So eating "healthy" is an arduous task that requires "denaturalization" of everything I try to eat.  I have to steam to death, boil, bake, or destroy natural foods to eat them.  Even a canned fruit is a gamble I have to try and then see how I handle.
  Do to the fact that I cannot eat a salad or apple, I have to try to eat foods that will not make me sick but will also not be filled with preservatives, fats, and all kinds of chemicals.  It makes the eating healthy task sickeningly difficult and weight loss a slow process that requires huge amounts of exercise.  If I want to feel full ever, I have to eat too much and if I want to not eat too much, I have to eat so little that I feel like I am starving myself.  Plus after learning of the fact that "diet" and "light" foods and drinks contain aspartame and that aspartame is a toxin of its own, I avoid those as well.  On my next effort in eating a diet that does not kill me on calories or leave me ravenous, I am going to try out some nutrition shakes for breakfast and lunch and a controlled dinner that fulfills my nutrition needs.  I will throw in a multivitamin and keep drinking my water and one G2 a day starting next week and see if I finally have weight loss results.  Wish me luck.

Make a Wish

  "An ancient Japanese legend promises that anyone who folds a thousand origami cranes will be granted a wish by a crane.  The crane in Japan is one of the mystical or holy creatures and is said to live for a thousand years.  That is why 1000 cranes are made, one for each year."(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thousand_origami_cranes)
  Our nine month anniversary was coming and I was becoming suspicious that he might propose to me.  I mentioned this to my best friend Sara who then became curious herself.  She decided to investigate privately.  About a week before our nine month mark, I asked L if he wanted to do anything special and he said he did.  I mentioned maybe going out to dinner, he mentioned wanting to go out of town for the day to show me the state park he once worked at called the Berlin-Ichthyosaur State Park.  I told him it sounded good and sat down to make arrangements for five kids to have child care for the whole day.  I then had to rearrange my college course load so that I could have the whole day available on a day I normally spent twelve hours straight studying on.  I would have to pour myself into school extra every single day that week to make it happen, but it was worth it to me... especially if I was going to become engaged.
  L's best friend B decided to hang out and help Sara babysit all my kids during my school hours for my CNA course that went from 8:30 am-4:30 pm that week.  When I would come home, he would have bright colored papers out that he would be messing with and I didn't really think much of it.  One day I finally asked L about it and he said it was something to do with B's mom and when I asked B, he told me it was connected to his mom's religious faith so I just nodded and went back to my school work.  No big deal.  What WAS a big deal was that one day after my cna class I was driving Sara home and she told me that L was not going to propose to me on Saturday.  That she flat out asked B and that he told her that it was still a little ways from the present, but L was planning to eventually.  I was crushed.
  I had to keep my composure for the rest of the week even though I wanted to burst into tears.  He had been hinting very boldly about proposing to me for at least two weeks and now I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me and I had gotten scratched up.  I was angry that he would lead me on and then plan to leave me hanging.  It was hurtful and I worked very hard to hold myself together the rest of that week and just tell myself to look forward to our day together with no kids instead of focus on what wasn't going to happen.  It was hard, but I did what I could and even met my goals on my homework to open up the day without too much stress.  It didn't help that for some reason L was always busy that whole week with B and I hardly saw him.  I understood that he wanted to stay out of my way so I could study and have all Saturday with him, but it made me even sadder.
  The day of our anniversary date, we got the kids dropped off with assorted babysitters and got on the road.  The drive was an hour and a half each direction so we were able to talk and enjoy each other's company in the car for three hours total.  Once getting to the Berlin-Ichthyosaur Park L gave me a guided tour of the whole area and it was incredible.  The park was old mines and even more interesting were the fossils that had been found on the land and preserved.  It was a really amazing area full of beauty and nature and Nevada history left intact.

  Once we had seen everything we headed back home to go on the dinner portion of our date.  We started talking about an eventual marriage and L asked me if I thought anything would change once we were married.  I told him that we had already had an amazing nine months and that once we got engaged I would want a full year before getting married to give us time to really know that how our relationship would evolve. But I honestly felt that being married would just make everything even better and he completely agreed. 

  On our way back we decided to stop and get dessert before dinner because, well, we are grown ups and we wanted soft serve ice cream from Harmon Junction.  That place kicks butt with its soft serve, let me tell ya.  Once we got our ice cream, we sat in the car enjoying every bite and just talked and laughed until we were ready to move on to La Fiesta for dinner.  We went off to dinner and ate too much and finished up our meal at least an hour ahead of schedule and L was looking nervous about how early it still was.  He decided we should go to the park so I went along with it.  It was getting chilly and when we got to the park it didn't take long for me to start whining about being cold.  L seemed very adamant that we stick it out at the park and recommended I put on a sweater so I obliged.  But before long I was whining again about still being cold so he recommended a jacket over my sweater.  I obliged, but in a disgruntled fashion as I hate being cold pretty much EVER.  The jacket didn't do the trick and L finally gave in and we left.

  Before going to pick up the kids L wanted to swing by and talk to B who was babysitting the little boys for L and I and asked me if I would get the car seats into his car.  I went ahead and got the car seats from my van and put them in his car and he was back outside when I was done and off we went.  We picked up kids from three different sitters and headed back to the house and when we got there L told the kids to put their seats back in the van for us.  I tried to help them but L was extremely focused on getting me in the door of the house.  Once I stepped into the front door, I stood frozen as I took in what I was seeing.  The lights were all off and there was a trail of tea light candles on the floor.  Above me was a massive garland of hand-made paper cranes strung together hanging from the ceiling.  L came up behind me and whispered into my ear "follow it".

  As I started to slowly walk, B rushed in from the back yard with L's cell phone aimed at me and was recording the whole thing.  

I followed the trail of candles into my room...

There on my bed were even more cranes and from behind me I heard L come in and say my name.  I turned around and he said to me:  "There is a belief that if you make a thousand cranes, you can make one wish.  I have worked with B and your little brother for the last two weeks to make these cranes all night long, during my lunch breaks, and all through the weekends.  My wish, LaNae, is for you to be my wife."  At this, he got down on one knee and said, "LaNae Marie Miller, will you marry me?"

  I was speechless so I stuttered in inaudible "yes" and hugged and kissed him lots and lots until I was able to whisper to him "YES, I will marry you!"  He placed the ring on my finger and told me it was a temporary ring while my real ring got sized.  My pretty real ring: 

L is For the Way You Look at Me

  My niece had a birthday party at the park.  Since I had just barely moved home all of a month and a half earlier, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.  Finally, my kids could play with and get to know their Nevada family members and I was very excited.  Secretly, though, I was very excited about the birthday party for my own reasons.  L was going to be there and he was insanely gorgeous and single and amazing with kids and my family adored him.  I had a little crush for the first time in nearly nine years and was a newly divorced woman and I had no inhibitions when it came to being forward about my feelings.

  I curled my hair, put on my makeup, and chose an outfit I felt good in after getting my kids ready and off we went to the party.  He was already there when the kids and I arrived running around with the kids or conversing with my various family members.  I played it cool and went over to say my hello's to everyone and unleash my four wild and excited children into the park with their cousins and uncles.  After not too long a time, the conversations were all moving along quite smoothly and I was able to talk to L directly and got a joking shoulder massage out of him in which I openly rejoiced to further the fun.  After flirting shamelessly with him in front of my whole family, we went back to being about the kids, but stayed close in proximity from that point forward.

  When the party died down we hugged goodbye and I didn't hide my joy about the hug or the attention no matter how short lived.  I went home beaming and by that evening the strangest turn of events guided he and I further into one another's paths.  I gushed at my best friend Sara about L and how hot he was and how amazing he was with kids and how shameless I was about expressing how I felt about him the rest of the evening.  Around eight o'clock I got an excited text from Sara that she was at a friends house and L was sitting right there on the couch and as soon as she told him I was her best friend, he told her to have me text him.  I was in!  With Sara watching closely I texted him and she would then tell me his reactions to my texts. After not very long I was invited to come over to the house they were both at and off I went.  When I got there, I learned that the house was L's sister's place and she immediately took me on a tour of her place and then we talked for a very long time about her life.  I saw very little of L that night, but we texted non-stop for days straight after that.

  By four days later we were meeting up and hanging out talking nightly once my four kids and his one were asleep for the night.  We would sit in my car in a parking lot just talking for hours until we both had to go get sleep for our respective jobs the next day.  By day five I asked him to go to a movie with me and he asked me to go to dinner with him before the movie and we had our first date set up for two days later.  The night of the date I went to great measures to look my best and my mother took my kids for me.  I french braided my hair wet the night before so that I could have waves in my long brunette hair and then pulled some hair back and turned it into a bow.  I put on makeup and my favorite purple dress and then a new pair of earrings that my wonderful friend Leigh gave me from her jewelry business (Premier).  A few spritzes of my favorite perfume and I was ready to go on this date.

  I dropped off my kids with my mother and headed to the parking area that was near the restaurant we had picked.  He was already there and waiting for me and when I got out of my car and he saw me, he lost his cool just enough to lock his car keys in his car.  Even with his momentary issue with the keys, I was so flustered by how incredible he looked that I sat across from him during dinner unable to eat and rambled non-stop at him.  He told me that he loved how there was never an uncomfortable silence with me and it only made me that much more flustered because sitting across from him I felt so far out of my league that I could barely breath.  Luckily he felt just as amazed to be sitting across from me so our mutual state of amazement kept things even.

  We went to the movie and sat awkwardly next to one another unsure of what to do, but had a great time making fun of the technical difficulties that kept occurring at the tiny old theater we watched the newest Batman movie at.  After the movie we walked together to the parking lot and discussed various ways he was going to attempt to rescue his keys from his locked car and laughed that it must have been my awesome earrings that dazzled him into locking them in the car in the first place.  After multiple failed efforts of a rescue, L finally had to bust out the tiny window by the backseat and unlock the car.  To this day his car sits with that window busted and reminds me of our first date when I see it.

  Once the key rescue mission had been successful we needed to head back to our respective children.  L leaned in to give me one of his epic hugs and didn't let go for a long time.  Before ending the embrace he leaned down and kissed me for the first time and my knees almost buckled underneath me by the time we parted.  I drove in a haze to my mother's place and filled her in on all the details and she sat beaming because she strongly supported L and I dating.  She had thought highly of him for a very long time and our budding relationship was fantastic for her to see.  I packed my sleeping kids into the car and went home to put them all quietly into their beds and then sat down with my journal and went over moment for moment my whole night with him.  He was so perfect to me and I was so smitten that nothing could pull me from the cloud I slept on that night.

How Did I Get Here Exactly???

  I wish I knew how my life had reached this point.  I feel imprisoned and unhappy and overwhelmed and trapped and sad and like I am tugged in four directions at all times.  My family and I moved here two years ago and although it started out okay and things moved along better than hoped for, my world has just seemed to collapse down around and on top of me.  Nothing really makes sense.  How on earth can I make sense of everything that I have been through in the last three and a half years anyway?  D's job loss, then disabilities caused by the job (and the damages it has caused our family in turn), then after a year of his new job, being fired and losing our medical insurance and his income.  D's amazing and loved father suddenly dying of a rare cancer only four months after diagnosis.  My hit and run car accident where I chased her crazy, sorry speeding car down while on the phone with the police reading off her plate number and my following back injury from it.  The non-stop hospitalization-level illnesses that my four year old daughter has had since October of last year and my illnesses caused by being exposed to the emergency rooms full of sick children.  My starting college in an effort to get into nursing school so that I can finally be capable of providing a decent living for my children if need be WHILE working part-time and dealing with situations well beyond what I am capable of dealing with in my home life.  I am worn down to the emotional bone here.  I am not really sure what on earth triggered this down pour of bad luck and unhappiness and illness and financial punches in the face, but I am so deeply worn out already.
  I had belief in things once.  I believed in love and happiness and success and staying at home with my children and eternal family and so many other concepts that I learned were possible.  But here I am in a home that feels so broken and lost and chaotic and I just don't even know up from down anymore.  I feel so deeply jaded and embittered by this all.  I have tried to put on my happy face, act like I am good to go, strong, hanging in there.  Well guess what?  I am none of those things.  I am falling apart from the inside.  I am heart broken and ready for changes that are drastic and hard to make.  How much can one woman sacrifice and lose and watch be taken away?  How much can one woman go in a day without collapsing in fatigue with still half her to-do list unfinished?  Am I alone here?  I always envision this world of happy married couples with clean homes and love and faith and moms that are home teaching and cleaning and playing with their children.  I despise not being one of them and despise that the closest I come to it is feeling like a poser who mimics those things, but isn't real.  I feel like I try to emulate what I THINK is supposed to be happening, but have no real idea about how it really is out there.
  I really don't know if things are going to get better for me.  But what I do know is that things have to change and so do my beliefs in what is going on in the world.  Am I right about those things existing or am I imagining something false?  Are the other moms suffering from the same "desperate housewife" syndrome that plagues me by the minute?  I especially want to know about other LDS moms.  Is your life calm, happy, clean, stay-at-home?  Is your marriage as full of love as I imagine?  Or are you suffering just like me?  Are you lost and overwhelmed and feel like you have failed again every single night before you crash?  Because I am there and I feel completely alone.  I am not looking for some husband or child bashing session here, just a knowledge of whether I am in an exceptionally unhealthy and out of control world, or if I am in a world that looks a whole lot like someone else's.  I need to know.  Please.